Worried
by Super Shadowsonic
Summary: Everyone is concerned about the fourth brother. Something isn't right. But what can they do about it besides worry?
1. Worry

Worried

"Man I'm bored," Osomatsu groans.

"Maybe you should look for a job," Choromatsu groans. Osomatsu looks at him then turns back to the book he is reading with more interest now. "I know you heard me!"

Osomatsu snickers as he glances around the room at his brothers. As the eldest brother of six brothers Osomatsu, weather he owned up to it or not, could actually worry about his brothers. He worried about them, usually in his own subtle ways and actually tailored his response to best suit each brother. Sure he jokes, he pokes fun, he insults, and at times physically assaults a brother. But that never stops him from caring. For example, Karamatsu. Karamatsu was easily the most sensitive one and that normally didn't mix well with five insensitive assholes. He was given the hardest time for most of it. He acts like a complete moron. And boy…is he painful…from the clothes he wears to the indiscernible things he says. It was tough being around him at times, and often times he'd get cut off before he could say something revolting. Or just flat out ignored. Naturally sensitive guy like him would get down about that, because he legitimately is a nice guy, most compassionate one out of them all! Osomatsu sees that despite the painful layer that covers it. He has told Karamatsu countless times despite how painful he is, to keep being himself and he'll find a Karamatsu girl who senses are dulled to hell! But even so he should never stop being who he is and they could never hate him. He is the second eldest after all and weather anyone admits if he does a damn good job taking care of the brothers when Osomatsu couldn't.

Or Choromatsu, his former partner in crime. The guy had become such a stick in the mud since they'd grown up. Calling himself the responsible one despite being just as much a screw up as the rest of them. But Osomatsu doesn't hold it against him from wanting to change and grow up. But in trying to shoulder that pressure all the time he's become a bit of an anxious wreck. Osomatsu volunteered himself as a vocal point for him to flip out at, or yell at, or let flow his aggressive tongue. He's happy to see Choromatsu release that stress because he always looks like he feels better after saying what he needed to say. Weather it gets heard or not, he just needs a release. (Hehehe)

Jyushimatsu…well…Osomatsu wondered if he was even human at times. Jyushimatsu hardly had an off switch and was always on the go. Osomatsu was pretty convinced nothing could get him down. But that time with that girl Homura had broken him up worse than he had ever seen. His down casted look was so foreign it made his stomach turn. And he's sure he's not the only one who felt that way. Karamatsu was the most compassionate one, but Jyushimatsu was the heart of them all. His honest and upbeat energy could be contagious. It was hard to be angry at anything he did too, no matter how outlandish or inappropriate it was. But he is a little worried about his mind…seems like Jyushimatsu has been-never mind ignoring that thought.

And the youngest, Todomatsu. The evil dried up monster who would publicly disown his brothers in a heartbeat or even pretend to not know them. Osomatsu had the pleasure of getting that cold shoulder. Despite that he had a soft spot for him, honestly everyone did. As the youngest he was both the runt and the one who was last a lot. But there was the unspoken rule between them all that everyone was responsible for him. Also as the youngest he had to get used to head ruffling the most, he hardly even notices it anymore. The one who no matter what in any given situation, Todomatsu would never be in danger. Todomatsu is resourceful though, but Osomatsu felt a special bond with Todomatsu. The eldest and the youngest, new dynamic duo. Of course Todomatsu would never admit it. There are times Todomatsu would emulate Osomatsu as if the eldest brother didn't notice. Todomatsu wore his jumpsuit the same way Osomatsu does for one example. Another was that Todomatsu, when he made tea he would stir his cup with a spoon when he added anything to it. Osomatsu never bothered with that and would swirl the cup around. Todomatsu saw him do that, and ever since Osomatsu sees Todomatsu do the same thing. It's little things like that makes Osomatsu smirk.

But then…there's the last Matsu that worries him. His eyes shift to Ichimatsu who is currently held up in his corner. Staring at nothing, not doing anything, and over all looking rather checked out. His presence was really easy to miss if you didn't glance over at times. Osomatsu often found his eyes gazing over to the corner just to make sure he's alive. Osomatsu would be lying if he said he didn't worry about Ichimatsu the most. The fourth brother is a mystery he often tries to unravel. Ichimatsu kept to himself and, unless he was playing with his cats, Osomatsu hardly ever saw him smile. He often spoke in a monotone voice with a face of indifference to just about everything around him. When he did react to things it was usually violent, loud, and brash. He definitely wasn't like this when they were kids. But this persona began to take hold over time until this is the man before them and they treat it like the status quo. Osomatsu hates that, but what can he do? How can he talk to someone that was so disinterested in social activities? Through ESP kitty he understands that Ichimatsu doesn't see the need for friends when he as his brothers. A sentiment Osomatsu can understand and is thankful for. But Ichimatsu was still distant, even to them. If he was honest, he didn't like leaving Ichimatsu alone with his thoughts too long especially as of the past few months. It's starting to show on his face…that things weren't alright upstairs.

He can even see it now. Ichimatsu's face twisting as if dealing with some unknown pain. The grip on his arms tighten all while every other muscle in his body hasn't moved an inch. Osomatsu wishes he could peer in his head to understand. Ichimatsu won't talk something that is constantly frustrating Osomatsu. Literally all his brothers can say something whether it be true or not, hurtful or helpful, it all comes flying out of their trash cans they call mouths. But Ichimatsu would be stark quiet, offer one word mumbles to questions. This was only the tip of the iceberg too. He hardly eats. Going long points in time without food that Osomatsu has to basically make fun of him so to spite him Ichimatsu eats. But even the spite doesn't last long, with it goes his appetite. Eventually Ichimatsu doesn't even care and that goes to a lot of things. Osomatsu walked in on Ichimatsu actually listening to Karamatsu talk about his day…Karamatsu! The blue clothed brother even seemed genuinely thrilled about it. Later on though, Karamatsu pulled Osomatsu aside to hiss with fearful nerves and wide eyes.

"Something is wrong with Ichimatsu." He had said.

And so Osomatsu's worry for the fourth brother actually doubled to levels that made him slightly uncomfortable. He began to dislike not having eyes on Ichimatsu for too long. He asked Jyushimatsu if Ichimatsu's been acting weird to him since they spend their days together mostly. He admitted that Ichimatsu has been off for a while. For batting practice he'd been on the bat far longer than even Jyushimatsu thinks he should've been. It is at this point that Osomatsu forms a plan to talk with Ichimatsu, but the conditions had to be perfect and he need this to be coordinated. Osomatsu was sure that if Jyushimatsu had noticed something was off, everyone else must have. Which he was right about. Todomatsu had secretly been looking up information on his phone almost non-stop trying to understand what was going on. Osomatsu knew because when he swiped his phone to do that very same thing he saw tabs and bookmarks of all the psychology websites. He had the right idea, Ichimatsu wouldn't make it easy to help him. Choromatsu can attest to that when he had confronted Ichimatsu frankly to ask if something was wrong.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure, you haven't eaten anything all day?" Choromatsu responds trying to sound casual when he was really quite nervous. He was basically poking a live grenade right now.

"Not like I need the energy to just sit here."

"Even so, you didn't eat breakfast, you didn't eat lunch, and now we just got through with dinner and you still haven't eaten anything!"

"I'm fine."

Those two words. He's have to have repeated those two words god knows how many times, no matter who asks. This was always the same two words they'd get for their efforts. Osomatsu was determined to get more than just those words. His face turns serious before he glances at the heater in the room. As if he and the heater had a secret conversation with each other it started beeping. This drew everyone's attention.

"Oh damn it…" Osomatsu groaned out. "We're out of kerosene…we need more from the gas station too don't we?"

"Huh, but I had it filled?" Choromatsu questions somewhat hesitantly. No one usually openly admits this at first or brings this up as a topic of discussion. Usually there are just looks, glares, stares, and nonverbal violence.

"Well Osomatsu-niisan go check since you're so worried about it," Todomatsu spoke up not looking away from his phone.

"Okay I'll go," Heads snapped to look at the eldest brother. Even Ichimatsu's eyes flickered over. "But I'm not braving this by myself. Someone has to go with me!" Heads snap away to avoid making eye contact after that statement. Osomatsu doesn't bother with any of them though as he looks over to Ichimatsu whose eyes have fallen again. "Ichimatsu come on."

"Huh?" the fourth brother responds confused. Osomatsu walks across the room.

"Come on and go with me."

Ichimatsu's eyes narrow. Even with his tired, hunger deprived mind even he could tell something was off with this offer. "No."

"Come on Ichimatsu!" Osomatsu begs falling to his knees as he grabs Ichimatsu' arm to shake him. "This is the fastest this has ever been decided! I volunteered to go, but if you don't go with me then I can't go. Do you want our brothers to hate you?" That last sentence seemed to garner a reaction that Osomatsu was totally unprepared for. Ichimatsu's eyes go wide as his body turns to stone. Osomatsu pauses in his pleading for a moment to stare at his younger brother. "Ichimatsu?"

"I…I said no…deal with it."

That was the strongest reaction Ichimatsu has had to anything. Osomatsu is unsure if he should play this card, but he has little choice, "Oh come on heartless Ichi, do you hate your eldest brother that much?" Ichimatsu is still unresponsive. Maybe he was wrong about that being his trigger. "We can stop by your cat friends if you want too!" Then in a quieter voice Osomatsu allowed his sincerity and worry to slip in. "Please Ichimatsu…"

"Do…do you really want me?" Ichimatsu asks clear disbelief in his voice. Osomatsu tries to ignore the clear doubtful look he's being given.

"Well you're the first person I asked so yeah. I wouldn't ask if I didn't." Ichimatsu chewed the words over before he gives a small nod of approval. Osomatsu stands back to his feet giving a woot of joy. He held up his middle finger while blowing a raspberry to the rest of their brothers. Osomatsu turns back to Ichimatsu as he somewhat stumbles to his feet. His joints cracking a bit as he moves from being in that position for so long. He follows Osomatsu to the door. Ichimatsu slips on his sandals or he would've had Osomatsu not taken them. "Dude it's cold outside, put on sneakers just in case we are really out of kerosene."

Ichimatsu sighs grabbing his practically brand new shoes he hardly ever wears. He slips them on then looks at Osomatsu as if quietly asking 'anything else you wanna bitch about?'. Osomatsu handed him his purple jacket to put over his hoodie as he puts his red one on. Then they step outside to go around back. Just as Osomatsu predicted they were indeed out. He had already grabbed some money just in case so he took the tank then the two ventured into the chilly night. Ichimatsu didn't say anything, Osomatsu hadn't expected him to either, but he still looked so far away.

"Ya know," Osomatsu began getting his brother's attention. "I had grabbed a bit more Yen from Choromatsu's wallet then I needed. Wanna grab some sushi before we get the kerosene?"

On one hand it was completely like Osomatsu to deviate and lose focus like this. On the other hand, Ichimatsu was able to recognize a few too many coincidences for this to be some random outing. "What the hell are you doing Osomatsu?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are you trying to do?"

"Well since my precious Ichimatsu came out with me after all I decided to treat you, on Choromatsu! You should be sure to thank your nii-san when we get back."

"Tell me what you really want you liar!?" Ichimatsu snaps now showing his angry side.

Liar? Osomatsu tilts his head at that. "Choromatsu would never willingly give me money."

"…I know you're not lying about the money…"

"Then what do you think I'm lying about?" Osomatsu was legitimately confused. Sure he and his others planned this whole scenario. But Choromatsu definitely doesn't know that he _borrowed_ from him. What could he possibly be calling him a liar on?

"You wouldn't treat any of us…"

"Well yeah with my own money. It's on Choromatsu though." Osomatsu smirks. But it doesn't seem like this point is getting across to Ichimatsu as he still scowls.

"You can stop pretending, there isn't anyone else here…" Ichimatsu growls.

"Pretending what?"

Ichimatsu mashes his teeth as he clenches his fist. He looked like he was boiling with emotion now, "Are you fucking kidding me! STOP PRETENDING!"

"Ichimatsu I don't-,"

"That's bullshit you said it! You know, I know it, we all know it!"

"What do we know Ichimatsu?" Osomatsu asks calmly not trying to even bother to understand that last sentence. Ichimatsu's thoughts can get rather scattered so his mouth doesn't exactly keep up well with his racing mind.

"You all hate me…"

Osomatsu stared at his younger brother shocked. His face fell his smile faded away and he stared at his brother's eyes. Osomatsu was looking for some hinge of doubt, some hope that this was a joke, or waiting for Ichimatsu to correct his statement. But he could tell, Ichimatsu meant what he said, he meant what he feels, and truly believes that thought to be real.

"What?" Osomatsu finds himself saying. "You can't think that's true."

"Stop pretending Osomatsu! I know okay so you can stop. I don't even know why you called me for this crap…" He spat as he turns to leave. Osomatsu was not going to let him leave after something like that. He moves to grab Ichimatsu's arm. He notices his brother wince slightly at his grip…not in shock…but in pain. Ichimatsu yanks his arm free. "Leave me alone."

"Let me see your arm," Osomatsu demands.

"Fuck off!"

"That wasn't a request!" Osomatsu says his own panic starting to take hold as he drops the container to step forward. Ichimatsu flinches his eyes pooling with emotions that Osomatsu was unsure how to decipher. He has to remember this is Ichimatsu, to respond roughly with him makes it harder for you to get close. He reigns back his frustration to let out a breath then calm himself before speaking again. "Let me see Ichimatsu."

Ichimatsu looked to be stuck in a fit of limbo. Wanting to honor the request or run off. Osomatsu doesn't help him make a decision as he reaches out again to the arm he grabbed. Ichimatsu wouldn't pull his arm away from his body, but he didn't immediately run off either. Osomatsu pushes the sleeve down to see redness, but he pushes it down further to see older scars. Osomatsu's face twists in what felt was a purely uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. It was rather awful and looking at the scars weren't helping. Osomatsu pushes Ichimatsu's sleeve back up. He hold onto that arm gently as he turns to pull Ichimatsu with him. Ichimatsu doesn't resist even though he clearly wants to say something. They make their way to a bar where Osomatsu' drags him to a seat to sit and he sits across from him. Still in total silence for a bit longer before Osomatsu finally looks at Ichimatsu's face. He looks downright mortified in his own way of course. It's not obvious, very subtle, but he is clearly terrified on the inside. Once again Osomatsu wishes he could peek into his head to see what he's thinking.

"When did it start?" Osomatsu opens with that question. Ichimatsu doesn't respond as he looks down. "When did you start cutting?" Osomatsu states being more specific so Ichimatsu didn't overthink the question or weasel out. While also putting pressure on him to answer. Ichimatsu was hesitant to comply. "We'll be here all night if we have to."

Finally, his lips part as he mutters, "A few months ago…"

A part of Osomatsu told him to check for cuts, but he honestly didn't think Ichimatsu was this bad off. "Why?"

"I don't know…"

"That's bullshit you do know."

"I don't," He asserts as he drops his head. "I'm sorry…"

"You're-Ichimatsu I'm not the one you cut!" Osomatsu exclaims. He lets out a slightly frustrated sigh. He was not prepared to handle something like this at all. This seemed more like something a licensed professional should be dealing with. Osomatsu in all his worrying is only barley able to refram from resorting to shaking his brother while yelling at him to 'feel better damnit!'. But that strategy is a strategy bound for failure. He needed to say something and talking to Ichimatsu was like pulling teeth or dealing with windup toy. He'll only go as far as you want him to for the most part. "Why do you think we hate you?"

Ichimatsu snorts, "How couldn't you?"

"Well I don't know how I could, you're my little brother," Osomatsu smirks at him weakly.

"So?" Osomatsu balks at that response. It was like a kiss off to what that meant. "W-what do you mean so?"

"We're family, family is supposed to love you unconditionally, isn't that right? It's like a given when you're born, family is supposed to love you, like it's an obligation."

"But then you know we care then!?"

"Because it's an obligation, we all know what we're supposed to do. What we're supposed to say. I can't say I don't care about you guys either to be honest. But, I just don't see what that has to do with anything."

Osomatsu wasn't liking this. Ichimatsu was at least talking, something he was glad he was doing, but he was saying all the wrong things. What is going on inside that head of his?, "I know we may say things but-."

"How I feel has nothing to do with you." He responds sharply.

"That's not true at all. When one of us isn't doing well no one is okay. This isn't some sense of obligation or whatever, I care because I just do."

"That's stupid."

"Well I am stupid so there you go!" Osomatsu decides not to backtrack on that statement even as Ichimatsu's face showed a mild sense of amusement before falling flat again. "Ichimatsu I don't want you to go away…"

"What would really be the difference nii-san, honestly?" Ichimatsu looks down at the table into his glass of water. No one would miss a droplet of water that fell out, why would his life be any different.

"The difference is you wouldn't be around!" Osomatsu snaps. "The difference is you wouldn't be there, sextuplets are made of six brothers, NOT FIVE!"

"That all sounds really superficial."

"Damn it Ichimatsu, why are you doing this? Huh, did I say something that hurt you, did Todomatsu say something? I'll kick his ass or whatever just stop talking like this."

Ichimatsu balks seeming sad, "…I'm sorry."

Osomatsu wasn't sure what he was apologizing for, but from the look in his eyes it looked like Ichimatsu thought he had the problem. Osomatsu suddenly stands to his feet he tossed a few yen on the table considering they didn't even order anything. He walks over to grab Ichimatsu again, a tad rougher, but still trying not to mess with his cuts. He pulls him out the bar and outside. Ichimatsu was really confused what all this pulling and tugging would accomplish. He allowed Osomatsu to lead though seeing as his brother was on a mission. But all they did is wind up right back home again. Ichimatsu looks at Osomatsu with a blank stare which Osomatsu has translated as a questioning one. He walks over to a window then slides it slightly open and gestures Ichimatsu over. Ichimatsu lazily walks over to hear their brother's voices. Currently Choromatsu was talking.

"-gone for a while. Do you think everything is alright? I honestly didn't want Osomatsu to be the one going since he's so insensitive. But he was really persistent that he wanted to be the one." Choromatsu groans.

"Well if not him who, Karamatsu?" Todomatsu questions a brief chuckle at Karamatsu's expense followed. Karamatsu didn't take it personally though but he does take a serious expression Ichimatsu doesn't believe he's ever seen in a long time.

"But the fact is something is wrong with Ichimatsu, he hasn't hit me in weeks. I know Ichimatsu better than that, he doesn't know how to express himself, so he does it that way. He's not expressing himself anymore, he's not feeling anything anymore, and that worries me."

"It worries you that he doesn't abuse you?" Todomatsu snickers.

"Ichimatsu-niisan will be fine! I'm sure he's fine just fine!" Jyushimatsu assures Karamatsu. He seems so sure too, Osomatsu frowns hearing that knowing how not fine Ichimatsu really is. Ichimatsu slips the window closed then turns to Osomatsu.

"So?"

"Ichimatsu, we're your brothers, it's more than just a word. Come on I know you haven't forgotten how much that means between all of us. It's not just a title given out!"

"What does it matter Osomatsu?"

Was Ichimatsu really this distant? Was he always like this and it just now started to actually show. "Why didn't you tell us things got this bad?"

"You wouldn't have cared." Ichimatsu responds. And at that comment he's seemed to have reached his conversation quota. Osomatsu was half surprised that this lasted as long as it did. But Osomatsu felt things were unresolved as he rushed after his brother grabbing his arm again. Now it was at this point Ichimatsu showed a hint of his annoyance with a backwards glance with his face of indifference turning into a slight frown.

"That's not fair…Ichimatsu I'm trying here…I really am. Tell me what I should say, tell me what you want to hear and I'll say it!" Osomatsu stares at his brother who looks back at him not saying anything. "Ichimatsu…you really have no idea what you mean to me?" Osomatsu asks as his hands reach to grab Ichimatsu's making Ichimatsu flinch at the sudden skin contact. "You're the brother who never pushes me away. You helped me learn how I needed to pay closer attention sometimes. You out of all the others, even Totty, make me feel like a pretty okay big brother. I know I'm not that great of an eldest brother I know I don't say what should be said most of the time, but out of everyone I don't scold you much. I know there's a lot of stuff that you can't help! I'm sure this is one of those things too." Osomatsu's grip on Ichimatsu's hand tightens. "But I love you little brother, there is nothing in that head of yours that can mix up what I'm saying right now. So please, keep fighting, and if you feel like hurting yourself again. Please…please don't. Come to me instead. I'll give you a hard noogie or something I don't just don't do this to yourself again. Please…"

Even on Ichimatsu's worst days, he could still hear the sincerity in his voice. He could feel the weight his words carried. Ichimatsu's face of indifference gave way a bit. He returns the grip on Osomatsu's hand. "I'll…I'll try nii-san…but it's hard. It's hard to care…"

"Just stop saying your fine. So how are you Ichimatsu?"

In response Ichimatsu's hand starts to tremble. His eyes glossing over slightly, but he was clearly trying to restrain himself, "Can I get a hug?"

Osomatsu didn't hesitate as he wraps his arms around his younger brother. He held him tightly rubbing the back of his head as he felt tears slip from his eyes. He was a little startled that he started crying after all, but Ichimatsu' hurt somehow transferred over to him. At least he could take a small portion of it away from him. He didn't dare disengage the hug until Ichimatsu wanted to part. When that moment came he looked at his brother's face to see a small tear slip down his eye, but that was the only tear shed. He was clearly still holding back, but at least some part of him was roused. Osomatsu lead Ichimatsu back to the front door. Osomatsu doubted this one conversation was enough to make Ichimatsu feel better, but it was a start right? Hopefully the others might be enough to help too.


	2. Protective

_**A/N:** This one is a little shorter. Also I forgot to be put a warning out there. This story may bring up some bad feelings for readers. So be careful about reading this. This are real problems and feelings of actual people who may suffer from anxiety, social anxiety, or depression. _

* * *

_**Protective**_

Karamatsu loved his brothers. That's a fact that he knows will never change. Often he his vain showcasing and admiration of his looks is in some odd way a compliment to his brothers as well. But above all else he wishes to be able to protect them from what may come. Support them in their goals and dreams. He wants the very best for them, and will see to the downfall of anyone who may try to get in the way of that. He considers it a thankless job, it is rather easy to be overlooked as the second born. Often when Osomatsu isn't around responsibility skips him and falls onto Choromatsu. Honestly, the only one who calls him nii-san regularly is Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu. It's a role that simply doesn't fit him, but it's a role that he can fill if the need arises. If Osomatsu is being unreasonable or if Choromatsu's ideas clash with his own he'll step into that role. Often when he does the others are rightfully put off by it, so much so they fall in line. Choromatsu shoulders a lot of responsibility partially because he wants to, and Karamatsu allows him to do that. He wouldn't dare say he does just to make Choromatsu feel better, but he is a bit of a control freak. But sometimes Karamatsu has to snatch that from him to remind him that he is still second born, that this type of responsibility is only on loan. Admit able this allows him to goof off a bit trying to be _cool_ for his younger brothers. He won't lie some of his "painful" personality is for show, but his upbeat attitude never fails to lift their spirits. Osomatsu himself even commends him. Even though he's painful, he shouldn't be ashamed to be who he is and Osomatsu isn't ashamed of him. None of his brothers are, to a point, even if they didn't agree with his perfect fashion.

But this isn't about him, this is about his little brother. His poor brother Ichimatsu. After Osomatsu took Ichimatsu out the two returned home with kerosene in hand. Ichimatsu claimed he was tired and went straight to bed. No one questioned it, although Osomatsu made it a point to make sure Ichimatsu was settled in before returning. Even while he was explaining he'd excuse himself to go check on Ichimatsu periodically. Basically, he says that Ichimatsu might be depressed. He couldn't explain it as anything else even as they all knew little to nothing about depression. Karamatsu clenches his fists. He wants to protect his younger brother just like any of the others, but how do you protect someone from themselves?

Osomatsu said Ichimatsu had cut himself. Ichimatsu promised not to do it again, although the promise felt hallow to him. This information made everyone stare in horror as their faces go white. Surely they should've seen something like that. Surely they would've noticed if something like that happened. After all, Ichimatsu hardly goes anywhere and stays in the same spot you can find him. At what time could he have done it? But it was because he was so easy to miss. He could slink away without a word and leave. There were times that he entered a room and they were left wondering when he had left at all.

"He thinks we hate him…" Osomatsu continues.

"Well did you tell him we don't!?" Choromatsu exclaims panicked not wanting his any of his brothers to ever think that. "You let him know that's not true right?!"

"Of course I did!" Osomatsu responds. "But…he gave me this look…like…"

"He didn't believe you?" Karamatsu supplied. Osomatsu jerks his head toward Karamatsu to nod.

"Did…has he tried to…" Todomatsu wanted to ask but his heart twisting in knots at the thought. The word itself brought images to his mind that he couldn't quite handle.

"He said he hasn't…" Osomatsu says catching on to what Todomatsu is saying. "But he didn't say too much about that. He said he just doesn't want to burden anyone and feels things will just be easier without him…"

"How can he think that?!" Jyushimatsu exclaims beside himself as his smiles has left his face to shift into a stern frown. Jyushimatsu stood to his feet. "I'm going to tell nii-san how wrong he is!" Jyushimatsu moved to the door.

"Wait Jyushimatsu, let him rest," Karamatsu spoke up suddenly halting the yellow Matsuno. Jyushimatsu turns to Karamatsu with a flat expression clearly considering disobeying him.

"He hasn't been sleeping well these past few days. If he's actually asleep, please let him sleep," Karamatsu says.

"He hasn't been sleeping well either?!" Choromatsu demands.

"Some nights, I go to sleep and wake up to him staring at the ceiling. Other days he can sleep the whole day away as I'm sure you guys have noticed that. I had thought it was just insomnia and the sleep cycle was affecting his mood." Karamatsu looks back to Jyushimatsu. "Please, let him sleep for now. When he wakes up we can try talking to him."

"Not unprepared we're not, if he actually is sleeping then we'll have the morning and a good part of the afternoon to figure out a game plan," Osomatsu adds on. At this show of enthusiasm to help their fourth brother Jyushimatsu relents from barging upstairs into their room to wake Ichimatsu. "But it is late, for now let's all go to bed anyway." Clearly Osomatsu still didn't want Ichimatsu out his sight for too long. The brothers move to head upstairs but Osomatsu stops Karamatsu for a moment. "Hey Karamatsu, I'd hate to ask this but-,"

"I planned on watching him anyway," Karamatsu states reading his older brother's mind. Osomatsu was a bit put off that Karamatsu didn't add any unnecessary dramatic language the entire time that night. It was great that he could recognize the situations of when to flip it on or off. He just wished that his younger brother did that more often. He had never dared to say that Karamatsu was at his coolest when he dropped that incoherent dribble of his.

"Great, reliable as always Karamatsu," Osomatsu says and he really did mean that. He could ask Karamatsu for anything, he'd get a painful response, but he could consider it done none the less. "Do…do you think we can help him?"

"I don't know," Karamatsu responds honestly. Good intentions can often lead to bad outcomes sometimes. But the fact is they needed to assess how bad off Ichimatsu was before they push for anything more serious. "But being here for him is a good start. I'm glad we decided to do this before it was too late to save our precious little bruzza."

"Right, let's head to bed," Osomatsu says. In their shared bedroom everyone quietly got ready for bed. Glances were shot at the seemingly asleep Ichimatsu who didn't stir. And when everyone settled down to sleep with the lights out Karamatsu shifts to stare at the back of Ichimatsu's head. He wasn't planning on staying up all night, but he would if need be. He wants to make sure Ichimatsu is actually asleep. He has pulled stunts like this before where Karamatsu would relax seeing Ichimatsu asleep. But then wake up the next morning to see Ichimatsu the first one up, an occurrence that never happens, with tired eyes. Karamatsu doesn't know how long he's been up, he's sure it must've been a while since the rest of his brothers were all now asleep. He could tell they took longer to fall asleep because of their own worry and the tension. Ichimatsu said he wouldn't cut anymore, but with things like that it's hard to make such a promise. Finally, fatigue begins to take hold of Karamatsu as his eyes flutter close as his mind becomes at ease. He feels himself about to be fully asleep when he feels the shift. It felt so distant and slight he thought it was just one of his brothers moving under the blanket. But then he heard their bedroom door slide open ever so softly before it closed. This caused his eyes to leap open as he looked around panicked for a moment. He sees Ichimatsu gone and he immediately began to panic slightly. He careful removes himself from under the blanket to gently slide the door open. He looks down the darkened hall to try and figure out which way Ichimatsu had went. He glanced toward the bathroom to see the light off and he didn't hear anything. But on his left he distinctly saw a hint of light. He slowly inches out of the bedroom shutting the door. He slowly walks down the hall to the top of the steps to see that the light in the living room was on. Good, it was a relief to know he didn't leave the house. Karamatsu walks down the stairs to slide open the living room to see Ichimatsu in his corner, knees to his chest, and staring off at nothing.

"Ichimatsu?" Karamatsu questions closing the door behind him. "What are you doing up my bruzza?"

"Go back to bed Shittymatsu," Ichimatsu responds in his usual monotone voice.

"Well without the warmth of my third youngest brother beside me I find it difficult to focus on the tasks of sleep to keep my beauty as radiant as always. Without that how will I be able to face my Karamatsu girls. You see this is a very critical ma-," Karamatsu cut himself off this time. Completely startled that he had made it that far in his speech without being interrupted. Granted he still had lines more to go, but Ichimatsu was the one who had the least amount of patience for his antics. He definitely would've cut him off by now. He looks at Ichimatsu to see his brother's gaze faraway as if he was no longer in the room. Karamatsu remembers that gaze. He remembers coming home one day in the best of moods. He actually had a chance to almost but probably not obtain a Karamatsu girl. And it didn't end in him getting pulverized this time! He was so excited with the news he shared it with the first brother he saw. His excitement blinded him to the fact that it was Ichimatsu he was talking to, but after he'd finished that fact slowly sunk in. He looked at Ichimatsu who hadn't stirred since he started talking. This was the very first sign, to Karamatsu, that something was wrong with Ichimatsu. "Bruzza, please, tell me what troubles you." Karamatsu says flicking his perfectly groomed hair as he sat across from Ichimatsu.

"Go back to bed Shittymatsu," Ichimatsu repeats in the same tone of voice.

"I'm worried about you," Karamatsu says plainly, dropping the rosy speech for a moment.

"I'm not going to cut myself. I stopped doing that about a week ago."

"What is the reason you started?" Karamatsu questions.

"I don't know…"

Karamatsu understood that Ichimatsu would do things. He would do things and not really fully understand why. He didn't know how to vocalize his feelings, so they stayed bottled up. Bubbling inside him and he having no idea how to discern one from the other. He probably truly didn't know why, but Karamatsu was going to help him find the root of the issue. "Were you curious?"

"I don't want to talk about this." Ichimatsu responds. His eyes finally focus on Karamatsu. "Go back to bed Karamatsu-niisan."

Ordinarily this would melt Karamatsu's heart since Ichimatsu hardly ever calls him nii-san. Choromatsu only doing it a bit more frequent then him, but again still not as much as Jyushimatsu and Todomatsu. "Then come back up with me bruzza. I will not abandon you to the demons in your mind." Karamatsu reaches out but Ichimatsu draws in farther away.

"I'm fine."

"You said you had cut yourself."

"But now I don't."

"Well why is that?"

"…I don't need to. It hurts too much."

"If that were true you would've stopped the first time you tried it. So, back to my question, was it curiosity?"

"Just go back to sleep, I'm sorry I woke you just go back to sleep Shittymatsu…"

Karamatsu doesn't say anything for a moment. "You know I love you," those words seemed to Ichimatsu flinch. "I love you my bruzza. I will say that to you every single day and every time I see you. Because it's the truth, and because I love you I don't care how I feel right now. I am here because I care, not just because you're another brother, but because I care about you Ichimatsu."

"…Why…I don't get it. Why care about me. I don't think I'm all that special. I can hardly make friends. I hang out with cats. I can hardly talk to you guys. What the fuck is so special about me?" Ichimatsu was started to cry. The fourth brother truly didn't understand what his worth was.

"You're Ichimatsu, that's what special. You're special to me, to our brothers, in different ways for each of us. You're the warmth beside me each night. Great taste in fashion too," Karamatsu winks making Ichimatsu grimace a little. "You're special because you're you. You haven't given up yet, so keep fighting for us." Karamatsu says patting his brothers soft ruffled hair. Ichimatsu's tears never stopping their flow for a moment.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be I'm here because I want to be. Now, talk to me…"

"…At first…it was because I was curious. Then…it became a release…something to focus on. It made me feel better."

Karamatsu moves close to his brother pressing his body against his for comfort. "Tell me more."


	3. Determination

**_Determination_**

Choromatsu has pretty much committed to the idea that he is the most responsible out of his brothers. Despite six functioning brains between the pack of them it seemed that his was the only one that wasn't on autopilot most of the time. So often as the voice of reason he had to learn to yell particularly louder than the rest of his brothers. Reason had to be heard. He wanted them all to be okay. To make sure Osomatsu didn't gamble too much knowing the types of illegal things that can go down. He makes sure the first aid kit is fully stocked for Karamatsu, who is prone to accidents and other bodily harm. Sometimes caused by his ridiculousness other times by his brothers when he gets super painful. That Jyushimatsu takes proper care of his baseball equipment since his younger brother sometimes forgets he can't play baseball with a broken bat or a destroyed ball. He makes sure Todomatsu doesn't have much to whine about. He is usually pretty easy to please, but he has to admit he's a sucker for those big eyed looks. He hates it and can hardly stand looking directly at it for too long. He even helps out a bit around the house doing shopping and some cooking from time to time. He has also come to understand that he will be the one to take care of his brothers later on in life. Of course they couldn't continue staying at home forever, eventually the time will come where their parents cannot support them anymore. When that time comes he will be ready to step up.

The pressure on himself was unneeded honestly. He didn't have to do this or be so uptight. He was the third eldest, not even the second born carried such a chip on his shoulder. Least of all the eldest brother. Yeah, it was clear the eldest two were shitheads. Osomatsu their self-appointed leader simply because he was born first is lazy and irresponsible. He'd chop his own hand off if Choromatsu didn't watch him. Karamatsu never took responsibility well, so Choromatsu saw this as his chance to snatch that position. Surprisingly Karamatsu has rarely fought him for it, it's not in his nature to anyway, so the idea went relatively unopposed. Well, save for certain times when Karamatsu recognized that in Osomatsu's absence or ineptitude he would have to step up no matter how Choromatsu might feel about it. And as they are older now Choromatsu can see that Karamatsu is one hell of a good big brother. Makes Choromatsu wonder why he won't take responsibility more often since he clearly can, but clearly as he always had it was a choice he made not to. Maybe he didn't simply because Choromatsu wanted to, and to appease him Karamatsu allowed Choromatsu to have that role. Sure would be something he would do. There's little he wouldn't do for his brothers….even if it be completely unnecessary.

But seeing the two of them step up for Ichimatsu made Choromatsu practically question everything he knew about them. For one Osomatsu didn't go out as much to go to the horse races, pachinko, or drinking. A shock in itself. He was lazy anyway, so staying home wasn't really a big deal for him. So when everyone would leave the house, but Ichimatsu Osomatsu would suddenly decide to stay as well. And it wasn't like Osomatsu would try to talk Ichimatsu's ear off either. He was just simply there as company. Choromatsu would see Osomatsu with his back against Ichimatsu's as he's reading a comic. No words traded but Choromatsu could tell that it relaxed Ichimatsu all the same. It surprised Choromatsu that Osomatsu knew exactly how to interact with Ichimatsu. When everyone is together doing something with everyone talking Osomatsu often shots Ichimatsu a look that he could never discern. Often that leads to Choromatsu demanding Ichimatsu participate in the conversation. Osomatsu was good for Ichimatsu and every morning Osomatsu would check Ichimatsu's arms. Without fail. After what Karamatsu told them about Ichimatsu they understood it was less a conscious choice and more of an impulse.

That was also another thing. Karamatsu actually managed to get information from Ichimatsu, something everyone had doubts about, even Karamatsu. Karamatsu explained the way Ichimatsu described it. "He says it takes his mind away from thinking. Like he's trapped in this void of nothingness and the cutting…it helps ground him. Pull him back so to speak and gives him something to focus on. At least, that's what I could gather in so few words." Karamatsu really was amazing when it came to his brother's well-being. Every day, without fail, Karamatsu would tell Ichimatsu "I love you brother." Just those four words. No over the top production, eloquent poem, or soliloquy. Just those four words, every day, and although Ichimatsu rarely does respond. Sometimes he will thank him. Karamatsu even checks Ichimatsu's arms at night right before everyone goes to bed. Both eldest were doing a pretty amazing job helping give their fourth brother support.

But Choromatsu knew that the two only needed a reason. A flimsy one, to take care of Ichimatsu. Osomatsu had admitted to worrying a little more about Ichimatsu then anyone else. Karamatsu, despite being the subject of Ichimatsu's detest somehow understood him the best. Understood what the grunts meant, what the long bouts of silence meant, the wistful blank stares, and the subtle facial twitches.

Choromatsu is proud of his older brothers. But now he knows that it is time for him to finally make his move to help. Although he wasn't sure what kind of response he'll get. Ichimatsu to him has always been like a bomb with a fuse that may or may not be lit. You never know honestly. But in spite of that Choromatsu felt Ichimatsu and he could see eye to eye on a lot of things given the situation. They often rarely butt heads and Choromatsu often tries to coax Ichimatsu out his shell from time to time. Contrary to what Ichimatsu may think he was actually nice company at times. Unbeknownst to the others Ichimatsu casually listens to Nyan-Chan as well. The cat motif is what pretty much sold him and Choromatsu knew it would honestly. He even pretended not to notice that someone had been listening to his music from his iPod. He's very particular about things like that and always knows what Nyan-chan song he ends off on. He swears it that's not weird. Naturally he was embarrassed when Choromatsu casually admitted that he knew this by offering Ichimatsu a ticket to a show. It was hard to believe he had actually managed to bring his younger brother with him to a concert with him. The ticket was meant for another friend, but they cancelled at the last minute. He didn't want it to go to waste so he invited his brother. It was at that time Ichimatsu had realized that Choromatsu knew he was a casual listener. It was… an experience. Ichimatsu was a ball of nerves before they even got there. During the concert he was anxious the entire time and it only got worse as time passed. Choromatsu hadn't even noticed too busy enjoying himself to see his brother was suffering from an overstimulation of the large crowd. He nearly had a panic attack and Choromatsu didn't even notice...

That was the worst part to him. Choromatsu didn't notice. He had noticed this change in the type of person Ichimatsu is. They all had drastic changes in personality from when they were kids, but that's because they all began to develop interests that differ. But Ichimasu…he just…didn't develop much interest in anything. Least of all other people. Choromatsu was always like a mother hen of the group of six too. So he'd silently from afar look after Ichimatsu. Confronting him only when absolutely necessary. That necessity was going to be coming up soon and Choromatsu has been preparing for it. He's looked through some psych websites, listened to what his older brothers have told him, and made the decision of getting Ichimatsu some help. But this help will be all for not if Ichimatsu won't do it. Hence he plans on making his move at the right time. And it had to be him, no one else. Even if it wasn't by much Ichimatsu was still his younger brother also and he was going to do what he could for him.

So two weeks after Karamatsu had talked to him was when Choromatsu decided to make his move. They all were having dinner, as per the norm Ichimatsu was still not eating much. It was a relief to see him at least indulge them a little by at least picking at his food. As per the norm two brothers were on dishes duty that changes from day to day. Tonight was Choromatsu and Ichimatsu's turn. For the past few days though Ichimatsu's food consumption is still rather spotty so he hasn't been doing dishes duty for a while. Sometimes by this time he might be going to bed or skipping dinner all together. As everyone finished their meal and stacked their bowls in the center Ichimatsu stares at a mostly full bowl.

"Well it's more than last time that's good," Osomatsu says shooting the purple Matsuno a smile. Ichimatsu only grunts in response as he slides it over to Osomatsu. Just because he didn't want it doesn't mean it should be wasted. Osomatsu does eat from the bowl, but he makes sure to leave a small bit left. Then he slides it back in front of Ichimatsu. Ichimatsu however pretended not to notice it.

"We'll leave you two to it then," Todomatsu says standing up to take his leave first. Jyushimatsu follows him after a prolonged stare at Ichimatsu. Followed shortly by Osomatsu and Karamatsu. They shoot Choromatsu worried glances but Choromatsu waves them off. This was his younger brother too he could handle this.

Ichimatsu stares at his bowl for a bit longer before brushing it aside. "You sure you can't eat anymore?" Choromatsu asks.

"I'm sure."

"How do you know if you're full. You say you don't have an appetite right?"

"I don't…when I ate I sorta feel it coming back."

"Then you should eat more then," Choromatsu says pushing the bowl back in front of him.

"I don't want to." He replies sharply before collecting the other bowls at the center of the table then moving towards the kitchen. Choromatsu supposed that would be the end of that topic for now. He picks up Ichimatsu's bowl to also move toward the kitchen. Ichimatsu is already running the water preparing to start to cleaning. Choromatsu joins him still with the small scraps of rice still in the bowl. He would hate to just throw it away so he gobbled up the fractions left before adding it to the pile. He then moves to start getting the dishwasher ready.

"So Ichimatsu, can I talk to you about something?" Choromatsu begins seeing ripping the band-aid off as the best method to approach the topic. Ichimatsu's eyes flicker over to his green wearing brother. His nonverbal response to show he was listening. "Well, have you thought of going to see a therapist."

"No."

"Well, I think you should consider it. From what I've learned therapy can-,"

"I mean, no, I don't want to." Ichimatsu cuts in before Choromatsu can start rambling.

"W-Well why not?" Choromatsu expected resistance. However, he wasn't expecting to be shut down before he made his case.

"Because, I don't need to. I've been getting better."

"Ichimasu it's not something to be ashamed of! We're not doctors so we can't really explain what's going on in your head anymore then you can. Ignoring this will only let it get worse."

"I don't need a therapist."

"Yes you do Ichimatsu," Choromatsu says bluntly. "It'll help you get better really. We're here to support you but you know that what you're feeling isn't something you can combat yourself. And we can't do it for you either because if we could we would. Ichimatsu-,"

"I said no," He says with a bit more bite in his tone. "I'm not going to be treated like I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy. If you're crazy that means we're all crazy, but you might be depressed or have some other symptoms. We don't know, you should go to at least get diagnosed."

"I don't want to waste anyone's time. I've been like this for a long time, so maybe I just wanted attention. We don't need to waste money and time just because I'm sad."

"Do you not think anything is wrong? Ichimatsu you cut yourself!"

"Something no one around here is gonna let me forget obviously," Ichimatsu responds sharply. "But I haven't done it in a while even when Osomatsu-nissan found out. I don't think I'll be doing that again. Maybe I just wanted some attention. Maybe I wanted to see if I was important to anyone."

"So look me in the eyes and tell me you haven't had one suicidal thought today." Choromatsu challenges. Ichimatsu doesn't respond as he only continues washing the dishes in the sink deciding to do it by hand instead of prepping for the dish washer.

"Ichimatsu that isn't healthy."

"We've all thought about dying. I'd think it's weird if you haven't."

He hates when Ichimatsu gets so morbid, "We all want you to get diagnosed Ichimatsu. If it's meds you need we can get that for you! You being here with us is priceless for us!"

"You worry too much Choromatsu-niisan. I'll get better…" The way he said that didn't give Choromatsu much confidence.

"One second," he suddenly says as he turns to leave the kitchen. Choromatsu moves toward the stairs to quickly scurry up them. He sees the door to his brother's shared bedroom wide open. He walks in almost pumping into Osomatsu who was clearly near the door to try and listen in for any yelling. The others were setting up the futon. Eyes flicker over to him surprised.

"Well is he going?" Osomatsu asks.

"Yet to be determined," Choromatsu responds sharply moving over to their closet to pull out a photo album wrapped in caution tape. Seeing it made him shiver but he picked up the album before swiftly leaving the room ignoring his brother's questions. He walked back into the kitchen just to see Ichimatsu wince at something. Choromatsu snakes his eyes around his brother to see his hand bleeding. "Ichimatsu!" he exclaims.

Ichimatsu perks up before turning to his brother face still blank. "What?"

"You just said-," Choromatsu stares at the small knife in Ichimatsu's hand and the cut on his palm. Ichimatsu stares at him then down to his hand to finally piece it together.

"Oh, no, no, I just reached into the water to feel if anything else was there and I _accidentally_ cut my hand," Ichimatsu quickly defended sitting the knife down before turning to look at Choromatsu who had crossed the room already to look at his hand. He also noticed the album. "What are you doing with that?"

"You'll know in a second," Choromatsu responds. The cut wasn't shallow at all no real blood just a long thin cut. It was in soapy water already. It shouldn't be a problem, but Choromatsu grabs the first aid kit anyway to wrap it up. Ichimatsu sighs seeing it as unnecessary but humors Choromatsu by extending his hand.

"So what did you grab this for?" Ichimatsu asks again looking at the album sitting on the counter. Instead of responding Choromatsu finishes wrapping Ichimatsu's hand. He puts the bandages away and puts the kit away. He grabs Ichimatsu's still extended hand and the album to move back into the living room. He sat the album down on the table before sitting down pulling Ichimatsu to sit next to him. Ichimatsu was growing rather impatient that Choromatsu wouldn't answer his question. Choromatsu removed the paper and then opened it up skipping the baby pages to when they were younger kids. He slides the book over then jabs his finger at one of the sextuplets in the picture. The one with the Ichi character scribbled on it in purple.

"That's you," Choromatsu says simply. Ichimatsu glances at the photo. Clearly he wasn't understanding what the big deal was. Choromatsu sees that Ichimatsu doesn't understand but instead of explaining he goes to the next page. Choromatsu continues pointing out pictures of Ichimatsu. In school functions, out with the family, in solo shots, playing with his brothers, and slowly Ichimatsu is starting to see a pattern. A common theme between each picture no matter what point in time, location, or what was going on in the background.

"I looked really happy…" He says almost surprised. It felt so far away looking at those photos. It was hard to believe the child they were looking at in the photos grew up to be…the person he is now. Seeing smiles that big on his face made him run his hand around his jaw. He really used to smile like that? Choromatsu sees Ichimatsu actually try to imitate the smile half-heartedly but clearly failing miserable. It really made Ichimatsu wonder where it all went so wrong.

"Yeah…you did," Choromatsu says in agreement. He had noticed it the first time they all were looking through it to figure out when Jyushimatsu changed. Seeing the look on Ichimatsu's face revealed that Ichimatsu was probably asking a similar question. "It probably didn't happen all at once. The only times I really noticed anything was when we were in high school. Those were the times I saw how removed from everything you were becoming. But I thought you were just shy. I mean you even still combed your hair at that time." Choromatsu says pointing out a high school photo with Ichimatsu in it with his hair actually neatly combed. But the smile he had on was clearly forced, well-practiced, but forced all the same. Ichimatsu could tell. "We were the only people you talked to. We didn't know that until we heard people thought we were quintuplets. You didn't really do much if I remember…but that's from my perspective. What was high school like for you Ichimatsu?"

"Hard," He responds evenly. Hearing that made Choromatsu want to cry. He really is a horrible big brother, if he didn't have any idea what Ichimatsu was going through for most of his life. He didn't notice when Ichimatsu almost had a panic attack. He didn't notice when how hard things were for Ichimatsu. He just didn't notice and he should have! He was the responsible one, the mother hen. He came out the wound a few minutes right before Ichimatsu and he couldn't tell when his brother changed.

"But you see what I'm saying. You weren't always like this Ichimatsu, and I don't expect you to go back to that same kid. But he can't be all gone in there can he? Do you know?" Ichimatsu honestly had no answer because he did not know. "I don't know either…but I would love to have even a piece of him back. That shy kid who was always so soft and kind to everyone."

"Okay…" Ichimatsu says.

"Okay?"

"I'll go…at the very least to see if there really is something wrong…" Ichimatsu says before staring at the photo album again. His face beginning to twist into a grimace. He felt like he had been betrayed. At some point in time he was genuinely happy. Now it feels like traces of that happiness comes and go so quickly. But here he was with joy overflowing. Why was his supply suddenly cut off?

Choromatsu smiles happily, "Great tomorrow I'll show you some options that I had looked up. Some of them even allow pets during sessions so you can bring a cat with you if you want. But only one Ichimatsu. They aren't far either so it's really up to your personal taste," Choromatsu's smile drops a bit seeing his brother continuing to stare at the album. Something was wrong. Did he make a mistake? He glances back down to the album before his eye raise up to his younger brother who continues to stare down at the photos. He wanted his brother to seek help, but now he felt like he did something wrong. The look in Ichimatsu's eyes told a story he couldn't really understand. Finally, Choromatsu decided to simply concede this as a victory with one step closer to getting Ichimatsu back to his old self or at least making him happy. "Don't stay up too long okay?" Choromatsu says ruffling his brother's hair.

"Okay," responds without looking up.

Choromatsu frowns before he stands up to leave the room. "Hey a Nyan-Chan concert is coming up soon do you wanna…"

Ichimatsu turns his gaze to look at his older brother. "Sure."

Choromatsu smiles in response. Maybe that look was just him overanalyzing his brother. He leaves the room to head back upstairs again. He enters their bedroom to see the futon set up but everyone awake sitting around. They all jump upon seeing him and fix him with questioning stares. "He said he'll go."

"Then what's with that look on your face? What happened?" Osomatsu asks very concerned. Choromatsu chews on his lip for a moment. Unsure how to respond given the lack of response given to him by Ichimatsu.

"I'm not sure…"


	4. Opposites

_**Sorry for another short entry but I felt this fit Jyushimatsu best. He'd not much for long conversations and Ichimatsu is more open with him anyway. Read and enjoy. Also warning as suicide is an issue that is being discussed here.**_

* * *

 **Opposites**

Jyushimatsu could be accused of being a very simple kind of person. He liked what he liked and he disliked what he disliked. It didn't have to be more complex than that. He likes his brothers and he disliked seeing them sad. So he'd cheer them up! Simple as that. It didn't need to be some big issue or something he had to ponder on. He saw sadness and would try his best to snuff it out. However, often this simple demeanor earned him the thought that he was unintelligent. He was naïve, innocent, and unaware of how harsh the world is. That he wasn't smart enough to understand the complex issues that may plague his brothers. Jyushimatsu wasn't insulted too much about those thoughts. A valid argument could be made that he only graduated from High School because his brothers would take his place during important tests. Usually Choromatsu, Karamatsu, and with a little pleading Ichimatsu. Osomatsu was obviously a bad choice considering the whole idea of doing that started with him. And Todomatsu would never be able to pull off a Jyushimatsu persona so he was automatically out as he'd get them caught. The idea was never Jyushimatsu's and he never objected to it. His brothers wanted to do something nice for him, far be it for him to let them know he often gets excellent scores on tests he deems too important to flunk. His only concern was passing even if he could've had scores comparable to Choromatsu and Ichimatsu, the so called schoolmatsus. Jyushimatsu wasn't a fan honestly of doing everyone's homework or constantly having his homework being copied. That would be his deceitful nature showing obviously. Although everyone was oblivious to that fact. But after all he is a Matsuno as well.

The fact remained Jyushimatsu was smarter then he appeared, more observant then he seemed, but he didn't like putting importance of how much one knew. But how important what you know is. The things that were important to him. That's what he felt mattered that was important for him to know. He was happy with what he knew and didn't bother worrying about what he didn't So obviously the argument could be made that he found inner peace…or he's just some dope. Who knows? He didn't. But he didn't worry about it. So his brothers shouldn't have to worry either.

Well…

Actually…

There was always one brother that this dimwit façade didn't exactly work on all the time. One brother that often saw through the smiles, the bright eyes, and over excited voice. That brother was Ichimatsu, his opposite as everyone liked to point out. Yes, yes, he was aware that from an outward appearance they did seem like opposites. Ichimatsu has a permanent scowl or downcasted look on his face. Jyushimatsu with an ever present smile and pep in his step. The boundless energy Jyushi possessed compared to the lethargic motions Ichimatsu went through. From Jyushi's loud brash voice. To Ichimatsu's reserved monotone voice. Even Ichi's color purple is inverted from his own yellow color he frequently wears. Yes, yes the difference was night and day. Jyushimatsu is very much aware of the saying that opposites attract. Well that may go for magnets and lovers, but he wasn't sure if that was true for everything. He knew there were quite a few similarities between himself and Ichimatsu.

Ichimatsu liked everyone happy and acting themselves just as much as Jyushimatsu did. He liked playing Baseball with Jyushimatsu too even if he couldn't physically keep pace with Jyushimatsu because he was out of shape. Ichimatsu was also smarter than the others gave him credit for. Jyushimatsu understood his brother didn't speak often, but he was always listening. Observing, hearing, and taking in everything even when it seemed like he wasn't. Which meant Ichimatsu probably knew each brother inside and out a lot more than any of them did. Jyushimatsu always found that as unfair. How Ichimatsu cared so much to pay attention to all the little things that make each one sad, happy, or laugh. But none of them could really offer the same knowledge in return. The yellow wearing Matsu understood Ichimatsu did this because he felt his presence was like a wet blanket. Often times being a downer, bringing down the mood, and during happy occasions often makes an effort to remove himself deeming his presence a hindrance. That just wasn't true! Ichimatsu wants to be there for every single brother…he just doesn't know how…

But Jyushimatsu is determined to see Ichimatsu through this rough time. He is waiting on his brother in the living room to come back from his appointment from the psychologist. Choromatsu had volunteered to go with him. Jyushimatsu wanted to himself but decided that this was the best call. Ichimatsu, if he had to choose one elder brother to look up to, it would be Choromatsu. Osomatsu was the brother he allowed to get closest besides Jyushimatsu himself, and Karamatsu…well…that was a complicated relationship even Jyushimatsu had a hard time figuring that one out. But he sat waiting all the same until he heard the front door open.

"We're home!" called Choromatsu. Jyushimatsu leaps to his feet then throws open the living room door thrilled at seeing them.

"Welcome back! Welcome back!" he exclaims happily. "So, Choromatsu-niisan, Ichimatsu-niisan, how'd it go!?"

"Well I'm not a psychopath…" Ichimatsu responds. Jyushimatsu laughs loudly while Choromatsu makes a face. Jyushimatsu knew that was Ichimatsu trying to make light of the situation, not very good mind you, but he was trying. Jyushimatsu laughed to reward the effort.

"He's been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, with anxiety stress. We already scheduled a visit to the psychiatrist to talk about possible medication." Choromatsu explains the facts. Jyushimatsu nods understanding and taking it in. The surprise is evident on Choromatsu's face as if he forgot who he was talking too. Jyushimatsu knew his other brothers behind him who were also in the living room were listening in. This way Choromatsu wouldn't have to repeat it and Ichimatsu didn't have to keep reliving the moment. Ichimatsu looked drained, down, and seemed to be in a state of shock.

"I think I'm gonna take a nap," he says heading towards the stairs.

"Okay, let me know if you need anything," Choromatsu replies as the two brothers watch Ichimatsu walk away.

"Maybe let him rest for now Jyushimatsu," Choromatsu suggests as he walks into the living room knowing his other brothers were going to ask for a bit more details. Jyushimatsu thought for a few moments, weighing his options. He wanted to talk to Ichimatsu right now, but right now he seems rather…distant. He would talk to him, but it would probably be forced. Jyushimatsu made a decision to go speak with Ichimatsu anyway despite Choromatsu's wishes. He had reserved himself for the most part all this time. To allow his elder brothers to help out. Now it was the younger's turn. He went upstairs to their shared bedroom to see Ichimatsu curled up on the couch. Not asleep since his eyes were wide open, but not really paying attention to anything else around him.

"Nii-san," Jyushimatsu spoke in a softer tone. A tone he usually takes when it is just Ichimatsu and himself. Ichimatsu is slow to look at him. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

Jyushimatsu nods at that, "What else? Tell me all that you're feeling!"

"Empty…tired…and…I don't know…"

The ever smiling Matsu nods in understanding. "I see. Well Nii-san, I'm really happy! You took a big step today, good job, good job! Now you can get all better!"

"What does being better mean?" Ichimatsu asks.

"Huh?" Jyushimatsu tilts his head confused by the question.

"Does me being better mean I should act like you?" Ichimatsu asks turning his head to look at Jyushimatsu. "What does it mean for me to be better? I think this what I am. The person said that I was sick, but I don't feel sick. I feel like this is me. So am I wrong?"

Jyushimatsu's smile drops for a moment before returning. "Ichimatsu nii-san, I think you being better means…means you can be you again."

"But I don't know what that means. I don't know what it all means. I-." He cut himself off suddenly. His eyes going farther away as he runs a hand through his hair.

"Nii-san?"

"I lied Jyushimatsu."

"Lied about what?"

"When you all asked if I ever tried…suicide. I said I hadn't…I lied." Jyushimatsu's heart drops in his gut. He…he hadn't any idea. "A few times…was too much a coward to go through with it. It feels so stupid. How do you attempt something as easy as ending your own life? I figured if I couldn't nut up and do it already. Get help then."

"But you agreed to get help. And you'll get it! So that's great! It doesn't make you a coward because you don't want to die…"

"I guess…"

"It doesn't! Because you realize that you have people you'll miss. People that'll miss you!"

"Who besides my family would miss me…?"

"All the cats would! And Totoko, Chibita, maybe not Iyami…but people would miss you! You're so nice!"

"No one says that about me."

"I just did, and I don't lie!" Jyushi asserts. Jyushimatsu then moves to get closesr to Ichimatsu then presses his sleeved thumbs against the corner of his mouth to push them up. "You have a nice smile too!"

"Sounds like you're complimenting yourself…"

Jyushimatsu laughs brightly. "You don't have to be like me to be happy Nii-san. Or like Osomatsu-nii-san, Karamatsu-nii-san, Choromatsu-nii-san, or Totty. You just be you, that's all we want! Be happy being you! I know sure it must feel weird for someone to say you're sick, but you don't feel sick! But you're you still, but you just lost what made you, you. But we can help find it again, we'll look high and low for it!" Jyushimatsu then wraps his brother in a tight hug. "You can do it."

"Jyushimatsu…are you sure?"

"Of course! I mean it. You can hit a homerun!" Jyushimatsu cheered happily leaping to his feet. "Hustle, Hustle! Muscle, Muscle!"

Ichimatsu gives his younger brother a small smile. His eyes still seemed tired but Jyushimatsu could see there are some traces of joy in them. That's what he wanted to see and he was happy he could see it. Ichimatsu thanks him before lying back down again wanting to try and take that nap again. Jyushimatsu with all his boundless energy sat himself against the couch on the floor. Ichimatsu reaches a hand over to rub his hair affectionately before retracting his hand. Jyushimatsu's smile never fading for a moment. His brother was going to be okay he'd make sure of it.


	5. Socialize

_**Socialize**_

Todomatsu is a character in the Matsuno house hold that is somewhat an enigma. They all grew up together, but at some point in time Todomatsu decided to not only branch out but cut out his brothers from a lot of the things in his life. It was a mystery of why he started doing that. He has five older brothers, being the youngest of the bunch you'd think he'd be willing to rely on one of them, confide in someone. But he didn't becoming somewhat of a heartless monster with a manipulative personality. It was agreed that personality wise Todomatsu was the worse out of all of them. The affection he may show you may be unreal, a ploy, or something with a big scheme behind it. A dry monster who wouldn't even notice if a brother went missing. Todomatsu can't say he was honestly a fan of that title. However, despite that his brothers are still protective of him. Despite what he is towards them they are still his elder brothers and they still see him as their littlest brother. It was annoying at times when it was Todomatsu who acted more like an elder brother then most of them. But at times he fell into the habit of relying on them or clinging to them. When he's scared he can get behind them. The fact that he sleeps between the two eldest in the futon is not by accident. The times he needed to use the bathroom at night. Despite how much each one of them absolutely hated being woken up, they get out of bed and walk him to the bathroom. Todomatsu can't say where his irrational fear of the dark came from. At least he can't quite remember. But the dark always terrified him…unless he had a brother with him then it wasn't so bad.

As the youngest he had learned to look after himself too. He was different because he didn't have the burden of a younger brother to deal with. The burden of having to look after someone else besides himself. Although it was odd, while he saw it as a burden his brothers never saw watching a younger sibling as a burden. To him being an elder brother was an annoying task. There was some pleasure in it, a pleasure that had escaped Todomatsu. Although it definitely would've been nice to have someone to boss around too.

But his five elder brothers were his world. Five invasive elder brothers, but they were none the less. He just had to learn to keep secrets because his brothers would be all in his business otherwise. They like to hover over him more so then any other. They like to know what the youngest is up to. Make sure he stays out of trouble. To shelter him from the harshness of the world. He couldn't even be out too late by himself without a freaking search party going out for him. But it was hard to really feel angry. Because as the youngest he often receives the softer sides of his brothers more so then anyone else. Sure he also gets bullied a helluva a lot! But the flip side isn't so bad either. Which is why he honestly doesn't have a brother's ranking despite what he told them. To him, they are all ranked first. Of course he can't let those idiots know that…

But now a problem has been brought up. Ichimatsu…his dark older brother. Todomatsu wasn't sure if he fully understood like the others. He knew Ichimatsu liked to call himself garbage, but weren't they all garbage. The six of them were the lowest of the low in social standing. Outcasts, freaks, unwanted! He didn't understand what made Ichimatsu feel like he specifically was any lower. He was scared and unsure what to think. He never really knew how to talk to Ichimatsu. Partially because his presence could be so unsettling at times or that he just didn't say enough. So Todomatsu had learned to read Ichimatsu's face. To the untrained eye his face was plastered with indifference. But Todomatsu had learned to read him just a tad better than the others. When he isn't slouching that means he's nervous or paying attention. When he isn't staring down at the floor, like he does a lot, that means he's in a pretty good mood. And some other ticks that are a bit harder to explain.

Todomatsu didn't cling to Ichimatsu a lot either, unless the six of them were spilt in threes with Osomatsu, Karamatsu, and Choromatsu in one group and the younger three in the other. It is in those rare times that Ichimatsu finds himself as the eldest. Todomatsu liked Ichimatsu, honestly he really did! He was pretty much the only one he couldn't manipulate with his cuteness or fake anything with. He could get some brothers more than others sure, but Ichimatsu never fell for it. So normally he'd have to be completely genuine with Ichimatsu. Besides, he doesn't think Ichimatsu is that dark, just a normal person. He may even do that as a way of getting attention. He's just a lonely person who doesn't know how not to be. That doesn't make a person dark!

But even Todomatsu can't argue with the things his brothers have repeated from Ichimatsu. Doesn't change the way Ichimatsu acts around them as of the past few weeks. Doesn't change the fact that he intentionally hurt himself more than once. Doesn't change the fact that Jyushimatsu had just revealed to them all after he came down from his talk with Ichimatsu that their brother had tried to commit suicide. And Todomatsu was scared at the fact that none of them were even aware. That shouldn't be possible right?! He was the only one who was capable of hiding things. And it's not even that he intentionally hides them he just doesn't think they're worth knowing about.

"Did he say what it was?" Osomatsu questions sternly doing his best to keep it together. Jyushimatsu shook his head.

"But he didn't right, so things are fine right?" Todomatsu asks looking at everyone.

"Well…not really…" Choromatsu says with a frown on his face. "Who knows what the conditions were when he decided not to. Maybe we came home early, maybe someone else was around, or maybe he couldn't go through with it. We just don't know…"

"So we watch him like a hawk then," Osomatsu asserts.

"We already do that Osomatsu nii-san…"

"Well that shouldn't be hard I mean there are five of us after all!"

"But we hadn't known about the attempt…" Karamatsu points out sadly.

"Now we do! Come on guys he's getting help now, he'll start therapy in a few weeks, and he's started taking his meds. Now we just wait for him to get better!"

Todomatsu wanted to believe his eldest brother based on how optimistic he was. Honestly they all wanted too. So they did. But honestly looking at Ichimatsu Todomatsu was really unsure of how long this wait was going to be. He was still so distant, losing interest in the few things he liked to do. A cat may scramble into their room and Ichimatsu would mindlessly pet it. Neither enjoying it or smiling while doing so. Todomatsu could tell, he was just forcing himself. Everything looked forced. He looked nauseous when he ate. Often couldn't sleep. Often scolded for not taking his meds when he should. His brothers were committed, but Todomatsu was really unsure how long they could keep this up. It wasn't that they don't love Ichimatsu, but…Ichimatsu sees himself as an outcast. Surely this attention should be helping but Todomatsu just wasn't sure. He wants to do something for his older brother but he is unsure of the kind of care he could even give! He isn't the sympathetic type so listening to his problems wouldn't work, he wasn't the super optimistic type so cheering him up wouldn't work, he could listen but he didn't know what kind of advice he could give. He just didn't know!

Then an idea struck him making him smile. Todomatsu pulled out his phone and fired out a couple of quick texts. He was glad to see the quick confirmations within a few minutes. He felt this plan was something only he could do, operation Socialize!

"Ichimatsu nii-san~!" Todomatsu calls stepping into their shared bedroom. His brother wasn't there which startled him a bit. He decided to check the bathroom to see his brother still in his pajamas staring into the medicine cabinet with clear contemplation written on his face. "Ichimatsu nii-san."

"Huh…" he replies blankly only partially startled.

"Taking your meds?"

"…Yeah," he was slow to respond as he reached in to take the pill bottle. Taking one exactly then putting it away and closing the cabinet. He seemed to stare at his reflection for a few moments looking as indifferent as usual.

"That's a cute face!" Todomatsu says slipping his face into the mirror.

"What are you doing here Totty?" he asks in a bored tone.

"Well I do live here too."

"So you do…" he replies dryly moving around Todomatsu. Before he ventured too far Todomatsu grabbed his brother's wrist keeping in mind it was the one he didn't cut.

"Oh and nii-san I wanted to hang out with you today, are you busy?"

"You know I'm not…" he replies with a backwards glance, "Besides I wouldn't be much fun. I'm sure the others-,"

"Well they aren't here and I want to hang out with you Ichimatsu nii-san. You, not anyone else." Todomatsu wanted to make sure his brother understood that. Ichimatsu looks at his youngest brother a bit of distrust in his eyes.

"What are you up to?" Ichimatsu asks. Todomatsu inwardly smirks to see that suspicious part of Ichimatsu hasn't faded yet.

"You'll see it's a surprise for you. But first, get dress," Todomatsu says smirking before releasing his brother to walk past him. Ichimatsu was still suspicious, but he'd feel bad turning down Todomatsu's invitation, especially since it was an invite tailored for him. So he threw on his usual hoodie, sweatpants, and went to the door to wait knowing his brother would take forever to get ready. When his brother eventually came down he was surprised to not see him in his hoodie but dressed up to go out. In his normal jeans, but with a button up pink shirt, a black vest, and his regular fedora. Ichimatsu isn't that self-conscious of himself but Todomatsu knew where they were going while he did not. Thus he felt he was very under dressed.

"Uh…"

"Come on let's go," Todomatsu says slipping on his brown shoes. Ichimatsu barely had time to get his feet in his sandals before he was pulled along by his younger brother.

"Totty, hey!" He calls. Todomatsu doesn't pay his brother much mind though. After some travel time they make it downtown to the mall. Ichimatsu looked anxious just from being there with the way he was looking around. "What are we here for?"

"I need some new clothes."

"Shopping…really, this is the big surprise?" Ichimatsu groans.

"This isn't the surprise this is only a pit stop. Just trust me nii-san okay."

As Todomatsu says, Ichimatsu was the only person he had to be completely genuine with. So Ichimatsu lets out a frustrated sigh a signal of his resignation to his fate. Todomatsu smirks as he hauls his brother off. They go to different clothing stores all over mostly window shopping. He made sure to get Ichimatsu's opinion on everything he picked up. Ichimatsu raised an eyebrow at some of his choices since he didn't think the items he saw as Todomatsu's style. They were mostly darker colors and had a more purple hue then a pink one. Finally, Todomatsu managed to gather an outfit he was satisfied with before he moved on to shoes. Todomatsu casually asked what shoe size he was. Ichimatsu remembers that he shared the same shoe size only with him and Jyushimatsu. Ironically the elder siblings having slightly larger feet. Sometimes with sharing the same face it's easy to forget that there are some things they don't share. Todomatsu nods before trying on a few pair again getting Ichimatsu's input on each pair. Finally, he settled on a casual grey shoes that string ups.

"Geez you spent a lot on this…" Ichimatsu remarks.

Todomatsu rolled his eyes, "Nii-san I know how to shop. It wasn't that much, besides I still have a part time job. So now on to the first part of the surprise here," Todomatsu shoves the bags into Ichimatsu's hands. "Go change."

It was nice to see a completely startled look from Ichimatsu not often Todomatsu can get such a reaction. "W-What do you mean?"

"Put those one," Todomatsu remarks before pulling out his phone to check the time and shoot a quick message out. Intentionally ignoring the completely flabbergasted look of his brother.

"Totty…these…are yours?"

"No, they're for you," Todomatsu looks back at his brother. "That stuff isn't really my style and it should all fit perfect. Besides you don't have nice casual going out clothes so I figured I'd update your wardrobe a bit. Hurry and go change."

Ichimatsu frowns a bit but eventually goes off to find a place to change. Todomatsu stayed put playing a few games on his phone and occasionally responding to messages while waiting on his brother. He admitted that Ichimatsu was taking a rather long time maybe he didn't know how to wear the clothes. It was a strong possibility. He stands up and proceeds to go get his brother.

"Totty?" Ichimatsu's voice came from behind him.

Todomatsu frowns. How did he get there behind him? Todomatsu turns to see Ichimatsu and his eyes widened. He totally overlooked his brother since he was so unused to seeing him this way. Todomatsu smiles at his handiwork. The nice black khaki pants with a light grey purple sweater, the collar of a purple button up shirt underneath, and his grey shoes. He even tried to stand straight up and smooth out his hair a little. Todomatsu smiles again before stepping forward to ruffle his brother's hair.

"Ruffled is a look that suites you," Todomatsu says. "So how do you feel?"

"Weird…"

"But you look nice, thanks to me!"

"Thank you Todomatsu."

Todomatsu blinks owlishly at his brother. He's not quite sure he's ever heard Ichimatsu so those words before. He can't help the small blush appear on his own face, "You're welcome Ichimatsu nii-san~!"

"So what is the next part of this little surprise?" He questions.

"We're going to a mixer," he tells his brother. Ichimatsu faces falls a bit hearing that.

"But…you wouldn't take any of us to one of those…"

"Well…" Todomatsu keeps his cutey smile on his face as his eyes cast to the side. "I figured this one time couldn't hurt…" At least that's what he'd tell his brother anyway. He couldn't choose one brother over the other if he was honest. Also a fact he wouldn't want those idiots to know. "It's at a sushi place not far from here so we can eat there. It starts in a few minutes so we made perfect time."

"I might shit on the table…"

"Please don't…I'll even do most of the talking. Just at least grunt to let someone know you're listening," Todomatsu replies trying to fight back the image of his elder brother shitting on a table. It would be the complete suicide of his social life, for lack of a more appropriate term, he'd no doubt have to speed up his plans of plastic surgery if there were to happen. To show he understood he grunted in reply. Todomatsu could only hope this was a good idea.

-000-

It was an idea…weather bad or good was still to be determined. Todomatsu introduced his brother to the group of eight or so people at the mixer which comes up to ten including them. Their largest so far. Ichimatsu was instantly stared at and swooned over. Possibly these people had never seen twins before and the initial fascination it always there. The unfortunate part about it though is that then people start to compare and contrast everything you do. Your voice, your mannerisms, how you speak, and other quirks. In a way it's nice because they're brothers, not clones. So those things are needed to differentiate between who is who. Todomatsu requested Ichimatsu not mention that they were actually sextuplets. Ichimatsu didn't like it but since he wouldn't be doing that much talking anyway he just shrugged. As expected Todomatsu had to handle his own conversations along with Ichimatsu's. Jumping in to help his brother when he couldn't respond with a simple 'yes' grunt or 'no' grunt.

"Totty, so you call Ichimatsu, nii-san? I thought twins were the same age?" one girls asks.

"Oh well Ichimatsu nii-san was born first technically even though it was on the same day. It's kind of a twin thing so the elder brother can feel more in charge I guess," Todomatsu shrugs.

"I see…" she looks at Ichimatsu who is staring down his partially eaten meal. Todomatsu frowns at his brother's negligence to still eat.

"Is he mute or something?" one of the guys at the table asks. This earns a dark glare from Ichimatsu, not a full on look though only one to the side the mediate it's intensity. He immediately shrank back in response. "Sorry…"

Todomatsu gives a nervous chuckle while elbowing his brother to stop, "Nah, he just prefers animal to people."

"Yeah I can get that…" one girl says.

"Oh here Osaka goes…"

"Well it's kinda true, people suck. I wish I didn't have to come to these things…or at least have them at a cat café to give me something to do…" she groans. Ichimatsu perks up.

"You're like super anti-social, you need to get out more!" her friend beside her nudges her shoulder.

"How the hell do you be social?" Ichimatsu suddenly spoke up. Todomatsu winced at Ichimatsu' callous tongue. Some of the people at the table stared as if unsure the words came out Ichimatsu's mouth.

"You talk, it's not that hard. Just talk to people," the girl finally responds after a moment of surprise.

"Wow Juri I think you cured me. My insecurities just faded away and my social anxiety just poof from existence…"

"Next she'll say if so many people in the world are starving then they should eat food..." Ichimatsu adds.

"Exactly!"

"Whoa when did I become the bad guy?!" Juri exclaims holding her hands up.

"I'm just saying it's not easy. I get it Ichimatsu, so much going on hard to focus on one thing at a time. I sure your brother thought this would be a nice surprise for you didn't he?" Ichimatsu grunts in confirmation. "Yep, same. Juri says if I don't get out more I'm gonna become the gross old cat lady."

"I'm serious you will!"

"Well at least for cats to receive their unconditional love all you have to do is feed them."

"She has a point," Ichimatsu says with a slight smirk. Todomatsu smiles at the interaction. Osaka was always a downer at these mixers in his opinion. But somehow having two socially awkward people in the same room makes them suddenly socially capable. Even if it is just mocking how socially inept they are. It was weird how math worked that way. Like these two negatives cancel each other out. That is how math works right? Todomatsu slightly backed off hovering over Ichimatsu's conversation to excuse himself to the bathroom. He left hoping that things would be good and thankful his brother hardly noticed his absences as he was still listening to Osaka.

This is when tragedy struck. As Todomatsu left the bathroom he heard it…

"Totty! What's up guy!" a voice called.

"Oh no…" Todomatsu mutters in distress. He quickly glances around the corner to see a man his age hugging Ichimatsu from behind. Ichimatsu was petrified at the sudden contact. The response was something he expected. A swift elbow to the gut and a growl of annoyance. Ichimatsu doesn't mind affection, but he requires a bit warming up before that could happen.

The man staggers back shocked. "Ugh…Totty…what the heck-?" He stares at Ichimatsu. "What is up with this look of yours…did something happen babe?"

Before Ichimatsu could growl the correction he was left stumped but the pet name. "Babe?" he mutters confused.

"Kai!" Todomatsu exclaims rushing over to attempt damage control. The man pauses before staring at Todomatsu and then to Ichimatsu and back again.

"Totty?"

Todomatsu snickers, "I see you've met my twin brother. This is my older twin brother Ichimatsu." The stare Ichimatsu gave Kai and then Todomatsu was one of clear contemplation. Looking between them and trying to figure out something. "Ichimatsu nii-san this is…my friend Kai." Kai seems to quirk his eyebrow at the introduction. Ichimatsu only nods.

"Ah I see who you ditched me for today. I thought you would tell me if you were going tonight?"

"Sorry…I wanted to spend the day with my brother. Hope you're not mad."

"I wish I could say I get it, but there are still some things I don't understand. But we can talk later now I get to know how Todomatsu lives at home. Tell me everything Ichimatsu!" Kai exclaims sliding a chair next to the man in question. Todomatsu sighs. He assumed Ichimatsu wouldn't give up much if any conversation since they just met, so this wouldn't be so bad. However, he shares a look with his brother. A subtle read of his face and he pales as a slight smirk slips on his lips before facing Kai.

"Well…" he began.

-000-

Todomatsu was walking home alongside Ichimatsu with his face completely red from embarrassment. Ichimatsu had told Kai all sorts of things. How he's a cuddler, even though he acts like he's not. His fear of the dark. His inability to go to the bathroom at night by himself and make it back to the bedroom by himself. Todomatsu silently swore to drink a gallon of water every night and knew which elder brother he'd choose for the next month. But first thing was first…he needed to talk about this now at this point. There was no way a person as observant as Ichimatsu didn't pick up on what was happening.

"So…Kai and I…"

"Is he your boyfriend?" he interrupts.

"Uh what no-no-no, well…we've been dating for a few weeks now. I…wasn't ready to tell you guys…"

"Have you dated guys before?" Ichimatsu asks curiously.

"No…this is a first…"

"…Why hadn't you told anyone?" his voice had a slight curious and concerned undertone. "This isn't anything like you've hidden before. This is a big part of you that you're keeping away from your family." Todomatsu pauses mid step Ichimatsu notes him stopping and only looks at him over his shoulder as he stops a few steps ahead. "I mean why not even tell Kusomatsu nii-san?"

Todomatsu was a little surprised Ichimatsu tacked on nii-san to Karamatsu's less then flattering nickname. But he snorts a laugh, "Maybe…I know he wouldn't think anything of it but…he couldn't keep it to himself for long. If anyone pressed him he'd crack easily. Choromatsu nii-san sucks at lying in general. Everyone in a five mile radius would hear Jyushimatsu nii-san. Osomatsu nii-san…I don't know how he'd feel…"

Ichimatsu nods. Todomatsu was worried about the eldest's opinion the most it seems. "But you know he doesn't care what kinda of weird shit we're into. He won't see us differently because we're still brothers."

"Yeah…"

"You should tell them," Ichimatsu leaves it at that as he turns back forward to continue the walk home. What he doesn't expect though is a tight hug from behind. He is again startled but he doesn't push his youngest brother off. Jyushimatsu and Todomatsu were the only two brothers he rarely laid a hand on.

"Ichimatsu nii-san…" he says with a sniffle in his voice. Ichimatsu was surprised that he was crying. Ichimatsu swears he cries more than Karamatsu. "Nii-san…how can you hate yourself so much?" Ichimatsu half lidded eyes widened a bit hearing that. "How? You mean so much to us in so many ways. You mean the world to Jyushimatsu nii-san. Osomatsu nii-san worries about you the most. Karamatsu nii-san encourages you all the time and is able to connect with you like no one else. Choromatsu nii-san is more protective of you then anyone. And you're the only one I have to be honest with! How can you think you mean nothing to us!? Because you talk less than the rest of us?!" Todomatsu rubs his tears on the back of Ichimatsu's sweater. "I just came out to you and it didn't affect you in the fucking slightest! I've been so scared to tell anyone…oh god…nii-san…"

"What does it matter? You're still my shitty littlest brother," Ichimatsu responds in his monotone voice.

Todomatsu laughs a bit before letting go of Ichimatsu. Ichimatsu turns to his younger to again be embraced in a proper hug. Ichimatsu's arms still rest at his side still surprised at all this contact he was receiving. "I love you Ichimatsu nii-san."

"…" Ichimatsu's arms slowly raise to return the embrace weakly. "…I love you too…"


	6. Easier

_**Easier**_

My name is Ichimatsu Matsuno.

And I hate myself. I hate the person I am, I hate my existence, and I hate continuing to be here on this earth. At times I don't know what I'm doing here. Not like pondering my existence or some crap like that. Just me, the impact I have in my own life and those around me. I belong to a set of six, sextuplets, a pretty rare occurrence honestly. Six kids all born on the same day, come on odds are one of them was going to be a fuck up. Every family has at least one. One kid that just won't make it. I don't mind being that one. And I think it's good that I realized that. Not like other fuck-ups who try and fail and end up making things even harder for the people around them. No, I think it's good that a fuck-up knows he's a fuck-up. Then he'll stay in his place. Honestly, my brothers all have something to offer the world, something to become in life, a future. They have the personality, the skill, but just lack the drive right now. They'll be ready someday, I can see it even if they can't.

My eldest brother, Osomatsu nii-san, he's what I'd call, a miraculous idiot. He can make amazing things happen, honestly he can. He's just too stupid to realize his potential to focus and harness that passion. He really is a great guy honestly. After all we are sextuplets, we were all born on the same day, some seconds apart others minutes. Osomatsu is the first born, the eldest child, so he takes the responsibility as eldest. That's part of what makes him an idiot since we're all the same age, so what's it matter who's born a couple of seconds before the other? But he showed what a good big brother looks like. What it's like to rely on someone, to have someone there for you, and to be that pillar. That's what he is, the foundation of the six of us. Without him, they'd fall apart no doubt about it.

And in that thought, if Osomatsu nii-san is our foundation, then Kusomatsu nii-san is the support beam. I mean, Karamatsu nii-san. The guy who just has to act so fucking cool all the time. We ride him about it all the time since it is annoying as all hell. And honestly despite being the second eldest only two of the four of his younger brothers actually call him nii-san regularly. He has the worst sense of style that physically hurts to look at. And that's coming from a guy who wears sweatpants every day. He's painful Kusomatsu. But….he never lets that slow him down. He continues to be this person despite what we say, what others say, and he believes in himself. He's the second eldest only when he has to be, when he has to do something, or when someone needs a gentler hand. Honestly, one doesn't go to Osomatsu nii-san or Choromatsu nii-san if you want words of encouragement or sweet kind words. Karamatsu was gentle, kind, a bit of an asshole, but still the only person who had never really outwardly vented frustration on anyone. Always aware of each brother, because honestly Karamatsu always knew who he was talking too he was the one brother who couldn't be fooled by switch ups. It was hard to place Karamatsu in a category. Osomatsu nii-san was the brother I relied on, Choromatsu nii-san was the one I admired, but Karamatsu…maybe he's both? I don't know. Honestly, and this is something the sextuplets believe in with the exception of Karamatsu himself, but we all thought Karamatsu was at his coolest when he was just himself.

And then my immediate elder brother, Choromatsu nii-san. The other middle child. You could say that we are similar in some ways. He even had his own bouts with anxiety and nervousness. But he learned to push past them. He found a healthy outlet, with other people, he learned to overcome it, and often tried to bring me with him. He wanted me to experience life and honestly the brother that was the most understanding of how I felt. Even going so far as to demand I participate in conversations. To acknowledge my existence when I felt I should just fade away. And often he is the one I look up to. I know he's going to make it in the world. That he's going to be somebody, I know that. If any one of us has a future he does. He's hard on us and himself, but that's because I'm sure he wants what's best for us. And he wants us to want that too. Choromatsu is the outer walls of the home, the part of the house that keeps the harshness of the outside world outside.

Now my immediate younger brother, Jyushimatsu. Jyushimatsu was considered my opposite. The sunshine, warmth, and jovial part out of us all. He was a bit too hyperactive that was a little off putting. But honestly, he is a lot sharper then people give him credit for. He's more than just one big smile. Hell who knows he may've found inner peace or some shit like that. Beats me. All I know is he's Jyushimatsu, no other words can describe this person other than that. He has become his own genre. But that's not a bad thing. And honestly, that's probably what made that Homura girl fall in love with him. She loved him for him, in the way she looked at him, even I could see that. In the silly games they played, the jokes he made, and the smiles she gave. She loved him for him. He found love. There's more to that story I'm sure of that and my brother will live out his life happy. I'm so sure about that because he's been one of the few people in this world that can make me smile. He's my younger brother and my best friend. Jyushi would be the warmth that a home normally has. The feeling of coziness and joy that can be felt upon entering your own home.

Finally, our youngest brother, Todomatsu. Totty…is a dry monster. Who doesn't really care to share his life with his brothers. Often keeping secrets and hiding things from us. Like it or not though he's the runt. He's even half an inch shorter than the rest of us. Often avoids physical fights since he's been known to be the weakest so he loses those pretty often. But Totty's act of being cute and being the "good looking one" among people who have his face is utterly stupid and doesn't make sense to me. Maybe he wants to stand out or something I don't really know. But, it doesn't really matter. He's the youngest brother, no matter who is present he is all that matters when a situation comes up. Protect Totty. That's the code ingrained in everyone's brain. He may be a monster but he struggles with trying to be honest with us because he doesn't know if we'll understand. If we'll still see him the same way. If we'll treat him different. He wants to be better for us and I think he is and will be. After all he's the one with the best social skills, the most friends, and a great people person. He'll do fine in life. Totty would probably be the part of the house that gives personality. The furniture, the paint, or the décor.

Honestly…what else do you need?

I am an unnecessary part of this puzzle. An annoyance. My presence brings nothing. My brothers all have futures to go to. They have things to do. They can find a place beyond this house. But me…I'd probably end up on the street somewhere. Alone and hungry. I have no future. No impact, no skills, and honest to God no point. My presence is nothing but a huge buzz kill. I can bring nothing to a happy home except the shadows and the creaks you hear at night. The very things that makes Totty so afraid to walk himself to the bathroom alone. My brothers may miss me, maybe, but the world will keep going. The sun will still shine and the skies will still be blue. They'll have their futures…and I'll have mine. I can't be the thing that holds them back. I can't be what drives them to stay because their worried. They don't need me. If there's one thing I've learned these past few months is…is that I need them. What friends I have is through them. They're the majority of human beings I can talk to and I can barely even do that right. What the fuck is the point? Without me they are still the same people and me not being there won't change that. Me not being around is better for everyone in the end. It is simpler. It is for the best. And it's just easier.

"I'm going out," I inform them as I slip on my sandals.

"Where ya going?" Osomatsu nii-san asks craning his neck to look at me.

"The store. Pick up some cat stuff, feed em then come back." A simple bluff. But I still felt stares on my back the entire time. As if analyzing my every word. They wanted to believe me.

"Mind if I tag along brother!" Karamatsu stands poising.

I frown hearing that. Well of course they couldn't now. I had admitted to Jyushimatsu I had at least made an 'attempt'. If you call pussing out at the last minute a true attempt. An attempt should be that, an attempt. When you want to so badly but for some stupid reason the fear just freezes you up. The taste of the pills in your mouth as you struggle to find the balls to just swallow a few of them. That's not an attempt. It's just sad. But now they knew, now they were nervous to let me out of their sight more so then ever. It was either Karamatsu come with me or all of them follow me. I relent to his wish allowing him to tag along as I did what I had said I would. He offered conversation trying to be casual. I didn't want him there though he knew that. I didn't want anyone around me when the feeling of emptiness overcame me. It's really hard to talk about and honestly I don't want to scare them.

Or I just don't want them in the way of stopping me…

It's really hard to tell what I'm feeling how long these feelings of joy can stay or how long this feeling of emptiness will last. Somehow with my mother, the sweetest person I know, she manages to find time to hold me. Hug me and tell me how much she loves me. But how can she have that much love to give around for six kids?

"It is Totty's fault!" Osomatsu yells. As the six of us all sat around the table eating dinner one night.

"Eh, how is it my fault you're such an alcoholic?" Todomatsu responds giving the eldest brother a sideways glare.

"Well it was you in high school that hung out with the _cool_ crowd. And told us about those parties with beer. You created the monster that I am today."

"You stupid eldest brother how dare you blame that on me!" Todomatsu raises his knees to fully glare at Osomatsu. "No one put a gun to your head and told you to out drink everyone at the parties!"

"Besides most of them Totty didn't even tell us about them," Choromatsu adds.

"My friends still confused me for you idiots and so I had to have them give a special greeting just so they wouldn't tell you guys stuff like that…." Todomatsu grumbles.

"Hahaha, those parties were so much fun!" Jyushimatsu exclaims.

"A delightful occasion of beautiful people getting to enjoy the finer things in life," Karamatsu says with a hand on his chin as he looks up to the ceiling completely missing Osomatsu swiping some food from his bowl.

"What! You two idiots almost ruined every party you went too! With Karamatsu nii-san's shitty flirting and Bonermatsu nii-san it was impossible for us not to be virgins!" Todomatsu exclaims.

"Oh please Totty, like you were any better…" Choromatsu says with an eyeroll.

"Huh!?"

"Yeah, you kept trying to pretend you didn't know us. WHEN WE ALL HAVE THE SAME FACE! It was sad. Besides if I recall you tried to outdrink Osomatsu a few times like at one of Totoko-chan's parties."

Todomatsu's face turns red, "N-No one was sober enough to remember that!"

"Correction, you weren't sober enough to remember that!" Osomatsu bursts out laughing. "You almost kissed a dude you were so plastered!"

It was at this point Todomatsu became increasingly flustered as he decided to focus on eating dinner then continuing the conversation. I guess Todomatsu still hasn't told them yet. This was a normal dinner full of conversations, reminiscing, and fun memories. Memories that I could not fully share in. Memories that I could not look back on and laugh with them. Memories that I could not fully embrace. Because I didn't have them. I hardly, if ever, went out to parties in high school. More content with staying at home, with a cat, or brooding as my brothers called it. I didn't know my presence brought nothing to a room at the time as I do now. Sitting here watching them laugh and have a good time. So what place do I have here? It's no one's fault, if anyone's it's mine, but no one else could shoulder the blame. I did this to myself and this is the result. A disconnect with the people closes to me. And I'm finding it harder to care about that.

"Do you all remember the surprise party for our birthday?" Karamatsu suddenly spoke up.

"Surprise party?" Choromatsu questions with a tilt of his head.

"Yeah it was in our second year of high school I believe if my beautiful memory is correct."

"We never had a surprise party nii-san…" Todomatsu says as his eyes move toward the ceiling in thought.

…Surprise party…does he mean…?

"Oh ahaha now I remember!" Osomatsu exclaims happily. His eyes land on me with a smirk. "It wasn't a surprise for us but it was for Ichimatsu!"

No…they can't remember that…

"Oh yeah!" Choromatsu exclaims his eyes landing on me too. "We realized that Ichimatsu hadn't been going out with us at all and decided to force him to attend a party."

"Since forcing him was near impossible we just had to trick him on our birthday when he let his guard down," Todomatsu says with a smirk. "Ichimatsu nii-san's face when we had got a few friends and stuff together at the house. He was ready to bolt!"

"Yeah I had to hold him place so he wouldn't run!" Jyushimatsu exclaims happily.

What is this? What are they doing?

"And Ichimatsu nii-san had a blast too!" Jyushimatsu adds.

"He almost punched me in the face…" Osomatsu grumbles.

I remember that. I was ready to fight my way out of the situation if need be but they wouldn't let me. It turned out not being so bad…

"Ha see Ichimatsu remembers that," Karamatsu remarks with a smirk.

"It was alright," I finally say. It was one of my better party experiences. Ignoring the very next one I went to since I had figured it would be just like that one. But it wasn't. It was a room filled with strangers, loud music, flashing lights, body heat, and a feeling of nausea. I barfed, don't remember if it was on someone or not. But it was bad. I had committed social suicide at that point. Because we can't forget Ichimatsu can't fit in anywhere. Not even with his own family. It was probably again all my fault. But shouldn't that make me being here even more unnecessary.

My brothers don't think so but I'm still trying to find the proof. Watching and waiting for them to finally slip up. I mean they can't put on this act of affection forever. Eventually their true colors will show. Eventually I'll see that they truly do wish I wasn't around. In something they do or something they say. Eventually I'll see it. They can't mean it. There's no way they can. They love me, I don't doubt that, hell I love em too. But you can still dislike someone you love, you can still avoid them like the plague, and you can still really not want them around most of the time. It's human nature. The people outside this house have the option to not be around me. They have that choice, these guys, they don't have the luxury. They don't have much a choice. But none of them want to just fucking admit it! They can't honestly like someone who just takes up space…it doesn't make sense…

"Ichimatsu," I wince as someone flicks my head. I glare at the bastard who did it as I rub my head. Choromatsu wasn't even looking at me as he's still looking down at his magazine. "Get out of your head for a while."

"That's funny coming from you."

"I'm plenty expressive so I'm not in my skull battling my own thoughts. With how little you talk I bet it's probably a parade in that head of yours."

I couldn't help but snort a laugh. He wasn't wrong I think, "Not like there's anything else to do…everyone went out?"

"Karamatsu nii-san is upstairs taking a nap, but everyone else went out. Osomatsu suggested we got to Chibita's tonight."

"And run our tab even higher huh…" I huff with a roll of my eyes. I hadn't been in much the mood for eating but drinking sounds nice.

"You're not allowed to get drunk either Ichimatsu," Choromatsu seemed to read him as well as he was that magazine. Wonder when I became so easy for them to read.

"Why the hell not?"

"You're not supposed to mix alcohol with your anti-depressant medicine. Did you even read the warnings?!"

"Oh," Damn that sucks. "But I'm sure a little won't kill me."

"I mean one or two drinks should be fine but you can't drink like normal. Which means," Choromatsu made it a point to look me in the eyes. "That you have to eat something while we're there."

"I've been eating better…"

"Not enough, one meal a day isn't enough and I use the term meal loosely. It might've been a snack or a bowl of rice. Point is it isn't enough that I feel comfortable with. You're even starting to lose weight. You keep this up and you'll be so thin the next hug Jyushimatsu gives you could break you in half!"

"If only…" I mutter. He either chooses not to address what I said or didn't hear it.

If only some freak accident could occur to me. If only some power in the universe could do me one solid and just swipe away my existence. Save me the trouble and save everyone the pain. I mean if it was an accident then no could blame themselves. No one is at fault for something that no one could control. That should make it easier to get by right? That should make things better for everyone then. But maybe that's me being lazy or hoping for an easier way. Ironic, wanting an easier way on the so called 'easy way out' what a lazy piece of trash I am. I mean it is easy to see it that way.

"Why in the world would anyone want to kill themselves?"

I used to think like that too. But then one day…without warning…it suddenly made sense.

"If you commit suicide that means you're going to hell."

I mean I suppose. But that seems rather cruel of a deity that is supposed to be all about love cursing a person to eternal damnation for a psychological condition that a person can't help. It's a sickness same as any that people die from. At least, that's why my psychiatrist and therapist said.

"Nothing is that bad to where ending your life is the answer."

How ignorant. Until you've been at that point, when your mind goes to that place, and reaches that breaking point. Until you've been there no one has any right to say this. It has nothing to do with mental strength…its just…despair with no end in sight. I don't know if I can even see a future with me in it. Because I'd imagine the people around me wouldn't be that different without me. What does the presence of a social misfit bring to a group?

"Ichimatsu, cut it out," a swift elbow in my arm pulls me out my thoughts again. I look to my left to see Osomatsu frowning at me. We're at Chibita's Oden Kart right now. Guess I hadn't been paying much attention, and with me somehow jammed between everyone. Osomatsu still wasn't quite drunk yet, but that's not a surprise. He does have the highest tolerance. With Fappymatsu having the lowest which is why he's slumped on my shoulder right now. I shrug him off for him to lean on Jyushimatsu who laughs and rubs Choromatsu on the head.

"What?"

"You're thinking again."

"Yeah, you should try it out sometimes Osomatsu nii-san."

Osomatsu snickers a smirk slipping on his face, "The ol' fourth Matsuno snark, still as sharp as ever." His smile then quickly fades away again. "But seriously, Choromasu mentioned you stay in your head too much. It's okay to talk to us ya know. If there is something you wanna ask why not just ask it?"

"What makes you think I have anything to ask?"

"You have this look…you want to say something but you shut yourself down before you can even get the words out," Osomatsu says with his eyes looking up in thought as he sips his beer.

"Well Osomatsu it's nice to see you actually paying attention to your brothers you idjit!" Chibita laughs.

"I am the ever reliable eldest brother after all!"

"Who says that?" Todomatsu asks with a laugh.

"Ichimatsu, you aint eaten my oden idjit?" Chibita suddenly questions me. I flinch looking down at the mostly full plate. Looking at it feels me with nausea.

"No thanks-."

"Huh?! My oden ain't good enough for you is that what you sayen the hell!"

"Chibita relax…" Osomatsu says with a laugh he's trying and failing to hide.

"You insulting my pride in my oden! Huh! HUH!"

Chibita was one of the few humans who aren't family friends I had. Even if he was closer to Karamatsu and Osomatsu the most. And even if it was most likely friends by association. He was still one of the only few friends I had in this world. Maybe I should try not to fuck this up. Fighting back the nausea I took a few small bites. I felt sick. It tasted fine but it sat in my stomach like it wanted to crawl out. But all eyes were on me still so I took another bite of the oden. I really didn't want to.

Then I hear Chibita laugh, "Good to see I haven't lost my touch. Gotta eat to keep your strength up!"

I can't finish this. It makes me feel sick, but I know I won't throw up. My god do I hate this. If I fight through it long enough it'll feel better I think. So I try to take small bites try and focus on the meal above anything else that was going on. Eventually, I couldn't anymore. I had finished half the plate of food. A brand new record in a while. I look up from it trying to look anywhere but at the food now. Osomatsu nii-san was trying to pretend like he wasn't staring at me the entire time. Like he had actually been talking to Totty about something. It's fine though, I did what I could and I guess everyone accepts that.

But is that enough…?

I don't think so…

I don't think it'll ever be enough. Not the food, but just everything. Me. Who I am. Why? I just want to demand the answer of why. What am I to you? Do you really care about me? If you do then why? Why are you so nice? Why do you like speaking to me? Why choose to talk to me over anyone else? So many questions of why. I want the answer…but I don't think I'll ever get it. No one would be truly honest with someone who's depressed. Not like when I was younger. It was clear what I was.

Boring…

Annoying…

Weird…

Quiet…

A target...

Punching bag…

So many things that I knew to be true because it was unbiased. In Jr High I tried to fit in. My god did I try. The social gatherings, the talking, the groups, and all the interactions. I tried to find a place tried to find a fit for me like my brothers did. Find a place to hide away into and grow into someone. But I never found it. I tried to and then when High School came I didn't bother. I didn't try to fit in anywhere because I knew I couldn't and it wouldn't make me happy. Every group I tried to fit never fit me or if our interests did align I was only a minor character. A face to see come and go. Did I get some friends merely out of pity? Yeah I did. Did anyone ever tell me it was pity? No, no one ever admits these things honestly. You know its true and you can see it, but I don't get why they just won't be honest!

Damn it just tell me I'm boring! Just tell me to go away! Tell me I'm annoying! Tell me my presence brings nothing! Just tell me and save us all the trouble!

But don't pretend…do anything but pretend. Don't make me doubt what I already know must be true. Don't give me the idea that I'm worth something when I know I'm not. Don't make it sound like you're lucky to have me, when we both know it's the other way around.

"Ichimatsu nii-san!" Jyushimatsu exclaims suddenly appearing in my face. Any normal person would be startled, but I've learned to be accustomed to him just suddenly appearing. "What's wrong you look super intense?!"

"Nothing."

"Ah, well, Nii-san do you wanna play baseball with me!?" Jyushimatsu asks with his big dumb grin on his face.

"Not really no."

"Okay!" Jyushimatsu exclaims and I assumed that would be the end of it. But then he decides to sit right next to me. "…Wanna go to the roof!? The sun is really high and the sky is clear. Super beautiful outside!"

That did sound kinda nice…but, "Maybe a little later when it's early like this it's a little too hot…"

"Hmm, you're right!" Jyushimatsu then put a sleeved hand to his mouth to begin thinking. "What about-."

"Jyushimatsu, you don't have to force it. I think everyone is home so you don't have to hang out with me."

Jyushimatsu tilts his head looking at me, "Huh?"

"You can ask someone else to do something with you. Ya know Kusomatsu can't say no to anything you ask him."

"You don't want to hang out?" He asks with a curious look in his eyes despite his face not changing a bit.

Yes, I do. I wouldn't mind doing that no matter which brother it was. But Jyushimatsu could always read me the best and it was comforting being around someone who understood me so well. But what is comforting to me must be tedious to Jyushimatsu. He likes to be active, move around, or do something. I'm the opposite of that, so to hang out with me he has to slow down. Relax and settle down in one spot. He doesn't like that and I know that. So I won't force him to do something that he doesn't like.

I guess I must be too quiet for him so he pokes my cheek. "Nii-saaaaan~"

My brothers would never admit to not needing me around despite everyone knowing it. So I had to put it in a different way, "I just need some alone time."

"You've been alone for a few hours already Ichimatsu nii-san. We were starting to get worried."

"Why?" I asked before I could stop myself. I cringe, here comes the kind sweet words that I know will come. The expected answer because no one will be honest.

"Well when you're by yourself you start thinking. We all know when you start thinking they're not very nice thoughts. We worry since we can't read your mind and you won't tell us what's wrong. We want to know but we don't want to force you," Jyushimatsu pauses for a few moments. "Well Osomatsu nii-san wants to force you."

"I'm fine, I'm getting better," I try to force a smile at him. A small smile that he seems elated to see.

"Nii-san, we want to see you happy! But you can't be happy like this. You want to ask me something don't you? Go ahead, ask, ask!"

"No it's fine-,"

"Come on you can ask me anything!" Jyushimatsu presses the subject so I sigh. Knowing I have to now and he won't leave me alone till he gets his answer.

"You can play baseball with anyone. Why me?"

Jyushimatsu seemed confused at my question, "Huh?"

"You could ask any of our brothers. Why ask me?" I decided to clarify a bit for him.

"Because you would say yes even if you don't want to! And you'd try and be helpful! I don't understand is that what you wanted to ask…"

"Jyushimatsu anyone can do that."

"Yep! But you're the only one who does!" Jyushimatsu smiles brightly at me. "You're a really great nii-san! Totty thinks so too!" There it was the obvious optimistic answer. The answer that made me want to believe and question what I already knew was fact but a few moments ago. "It's okay to ask that Nii-san! There's nothing wrong with that. And guaranteed you'll get the same answer every time!"

"What if I catch you on a bad day or one day you get tired of having to answer it and the truth finally comes out…"

"Huh, truth?" he questions me confused. "That was the truth!"

"…"

"You don't believe me?"

"I want to…"

Jyushimatsu's open mouth smile closes for a moment. Then he opens to speak again, "You believe we love you Ichimatsu nii-san right?"

"…Yeah."

"Well that's something! You know that without a doubt, so-,"

"But that doesn't mean you guys can't hate me too. That doesn't mean you guys may not like me being around or may not notice me there. Or that I-,"

"We're sextuplets," Jyushimatsu says in a matter of fact tone I don't hear him take often. "We were born together, we live together, eat together, sleep together, and bathe together. Even I'd notice if one of us is missing. We see you Ichimatsu nii-san, we do."

Why is he so good at not making me feel like shit? At proving everything I believe firmly one moment to be meaningless another. Why does he care so much? Looking past him for a moment I can see the door to the living room ajar a bit and could see a shadow of someone leaning in to listen. Which means they're all there right now. Why do they care? I don't understand! I do, but I don't. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I just want them to admit it! Admit they don't like me, admit I'm annoying, admit how boring I am. Just fucking admit it so I can finally do something about it!

Just admit it already…

But they won't will they?

Then maybe I should do something. Just to cut to the chase. They won't admit it so I won't drag it out any longer.

"Ichimatsu nii-san…" Todomatsu's voice cuts into my thoughts like everyone else has been doing lately. I glance over to him to see him standing in the bathroom entrance a partially terrified face. "Nii-san…why do you have so many pills in your hand?"

I glance down seeing the fifteen pills of pain relief in my palm. "Guess I spilled a few too many…"

"Oh…" he says that, but doesn't make a move to leave. He only stares at my hand and then at me. Like he's waiting for me to decide on what to do next. I spill the majority of it back into the bottle then slip the one pill in my mouth. It won't do much anything. After that I close the medicine cabinet and turn to see a calmer look on Todomatsu's face. "B-By the way thanks for not telling anyone about…Kai."

"It's your job to tell em."

"You're right…but…could you…could you be there when I do Nii-san. Please…" he says in a pleading voice. So agonizingly pleading and hopeful. Like he might cry right at that moment. Like he's trying to hold my life hostage with this promise. "For moral support."

"Don't drag this out Totty," I respond the closest thing I would give to agreeing without actually saying it. He grips my sleeve tightly as I move to walk past him.

"Please promise. I want to hear you say it…"

I sigh, "Alright I promise." That seems to ease him as he smiles at me a little before releasing my arm to let me leave.

"Ichimatsu," a voice grabs my attention. I turn to the voice calling me from our shared bedroom to see Kusomatsu.

"What do you want Shittymatsu," I respond to him walking into the room.

He just makes that annoying 'heh noise. "Ah brother, that nickname is so intense isn't there a better one that can fit better?"

"No."

"Ha, ah Ichimatsu you wound me!"

"Not as much as this conversation is _wounding_ me. What do you want Shittymatsu nii-san?"

Karamatsu seems to perk up happily hearing me call him nii-san. The dope is so easy to get in a good mood.

"I had wanted to ask you something Ichimatsu," he says deciding to drop his flaunty language which I am always thankful for. "What do you dislike about me?"

"…are you kidding?"

"No, really tell me what you don't like about me," he says with that confident smile of his.

"Everything?"

"Well let's say the top six."

"Your fashion sense hurts, your voice is irritating, your cologne hurts my nose, random words in English, long winded speeches, your dialogue makes no sense and-,"

"Oi Ichimatsu that's enough!" Karamatsu exclaims cutting me off from my flow with a wave of his hands. "Ah brother so honest thank you."

"Whatever…" I said disappointed I couldn't get more from this opportunity. But then something was off. "Why did you ask me to do that?"

"Because now I can finally give you what you want. The truth right?"

My eyes open a little wider. The truth…like…right now? My mind races as the possibilities at the words he'll begin to spout out. The venom and sharp words. But then I realize it was just Karamatsu. He doesn't have a truly mean bone in his body. He's still shitty like the rest of us, but he's got more good in him then the rest of us.

"I decided to get some words from our brother too for this little game too. Just to try and give you what it is you want so badly."

"Well go ahead tell me all the top six shitty things about me."

"You'll be happy to hear them. The top six things that I don't like about Ichimatsu. You're not very honest all the time."

Honest…?

"I don't like it when you don't smile."

What?

"Heh, sometimes we'd wish you'd not bring so many cats to the house. They're cat hair gets everywhere."

Is he serious?

"You seem to take pleasure in bullying our youngest brother too it seems. Though that's more a gripe for him then all of us."

Is he serious with this shit?

"Hmmm…ah that's only four huh. Give me a moment to think of something else…"

"No fucking way! You're kidding me with this weak shit! Huh, are you serious?!"

"What's wrong, isn't the truth what you wanted to hear?" He asks with that stupid look on his face.

"All that bullcrap hardly even counts. Those are hardly things noteworthy! I'm trash!"

"Ah but only you think that. As this is my turn to be honest brother."

"How can you not think…stop pretending Shittymatsu," I growl at him.

"You honestly don't do much anything to warrant distaste. Having the patience to hang with Jyushimatsu allows you the patience to deal with any of us really. You're rather easy going…oops I'm supposed to say the things I dislike. Ah I suppose I'm not too good at this."

"Then get Todomatsu, Iyami, someone who can actually say real things. Someone who doesn't give a shit about me who are willing to give the truth."

"You trust the opinions of uninformed strangers who hardly know you more than that of your own brothers who have known you your whole life?" Karamatsu questions with oddly snide remark from him. But he had a point. It sounded really stupid when he put it that way. "Well I can only go to four at the moment. Maybe one day I'll get those other two one day. Until then keep on being who you are and maybe I may find it."

"I don't get it. I listed off things no problem…"

"…I think. For every flaw you find in other people is one you find in yourself. No one is perfect Ichimatsu, but we all try to do our best in whatever it is we try. Just do your best, your best is always good enough brother," Then he gives me this bright smile that makes a lump form in my throat. My anxiety spikes up and I feel tense for a moment. I want to cry but hold back. I swallow before looking at my elder brother trying to keep my face neutral like always.

"Well thanks for this pointless game Karmatsu nii-san," I respond to him turning around to leave.

"Anytime my bruza!" he says probably striking a pose on the window sill he's sitting on.

"Ugh," such a painful great person my brother is.

But it doesn't really change how I feel. I still think it would be easier even if every person on the planet says otherwise. But...maybe the fact that _they_ don't maybe it means something more. Who knows, guess I'll wait and see.


End file.
